Peter Kay's Karcher  (2017)

Also Known As: Karcher The Movie

Genre: Comedy

Starring: Peter Kay, Sian Gibson and Ross Kemp

Plot:
Big screen outing for Peter Kay's hit TV sitcom.

Quotes:
John: "Nozzle, gun, hose... think I've got all the attachments..."

Kayleigh: "Don't think I'm spending all Sunday watching you clean the patio, John."

Most Helpful User Review:
Think I might like this even more than 'Holiday On the Buses'.

BIFTA Nomination: Best Buy Jet Washer (2018)

Directed by: Jackie Magazine. UK. Colour.

Blah Blah Bland  (2016)

Also Known As: Bland Land, Banality Fair, Is There Anything Else On?

Genre: Musical

Starring: Ryan Gosling and Emma Stone

Plot:
While navigating their lives in Knutsford, two students fall in love while attempting to reconcile their aspirations for the future.

Quotes:
Sebastian: I'm letting life hit me until it gets tired. Then I'll hit back.
Mia: Have you heard yourself? [rolls eyes]

Most Popular Song: "Think It's Gonna Rain This Afternoon"
Music and Lyrics: Foo Fighters

Most Helpful User Review:
I'm a sucker for a good musical, but God this was dull. Avoid.

BIFTA Nomination: Best Film. Oh no, wait!.... (2017)

Directed by: Damien Chewits. US/UK. Colour.

Cillit Cillit Bang Bang  (2016)

Also Known As: Cillit Bang: The Musical, Cillit Bang-A-Bang, Crash Bang What a Cleaner!

Genre: Family/Musical

Starring: Barry Scott and Suranne Jones

Plot:
The magic of oven cleaner is celebrated wholeheartedly in this long-awaited reboot of the classic family favourite.

Quotes:
Truly Gumption: "Bang! And the dirt is gone."

Most Popular Song: "Get Out of My Dreams (And Into My Kitchen)"
Music and Lyrics: Billy Ocean

Most Helpful User Review:
Keep out of reach of children.

BIFTA Nomination: Which? Product of the Year (2017)

Directed by: Placebo Dominoes. UK/US. Colour.

Fantastic Geese and Where to Find Them  (2016)

Also Known As: Goose on the Loose, Goose in a Suitcase, Feathered Friends, Pissed My Goose, Geese Lightning

Genre: Children's/Adventure

Starring: Eddie Redmayne

Plot:
The adventures of 1920's birdwatcher Bert Hamburger in New York's Central Park.

Quotes:
Bert: "A Canadian goose in New York! Merlin's beard!"

Most Helpful User Review:
I liked it.

BIFTA Nomination: Best Binocular Handling of an Actor in a Leading Role (2017)

Directed by: David Yates. UK/US. Colour.

The Merchant of Hovis  (2015)

Also Known As: The Merchant of Loaves, Bread or Dead, Pay Up or Else!

Genre: Drama

Starring: Mary Berry, Paul Hollywood, Mackenzie Crook and John Sessions

Plot:
1950s Yorkshire. When a housewife defaults on her weekly grocery account, the bitterly vengeful shopkeeper demands a gruesome payment instead.

Quotes:
Merchant: "You owe four weeks!"
Housewife: "Like fuck I do."

Most Helpful User Review:
Miles better than the Laurence Olivier stage version.

BIFTA Winner: Best Do What He Says (2016)

Directed by: Ken Loach. UK. Colour.

Skype Call  (2012)

Also Known As: Zoom Another Way

Genre: Action/Thriller

Starring: Daniel Craig

Plot:
Third outing for Daniel Craig as Bond. Q shows Bond how to do spying via video conferencing.

Quotes:
Bond: "It won't connect! Fucking bollocks, this."

Most Helpful User Review:
I watched this again at the start of lock-down, very instructional.

BIFTA Nomination: Best Not Get Too Worked Up About It (2013)

Directed by: Teddy Shitsticks. US/UK. Colour.

Friends on Benefits  (2011)

Also Known As: Friends on the Dole, Hanging Out with Job Seekers

Genre: Comedy

Starring: Justin Timberlake and Kerry Katona

Plot:
Justin Timberlake plays Scott, a guy who discovers that friendships become complicated when one of his friends ends up on benefits and decides she prefers it to working.

Kerry Katona excels herself in her role as a cheap layabout, and won a BIFTA at the awards that year.

Quotes:
Scott: "You can't spend your life glued to the sofa watching Jeremy Kyle, on taxpayer's money! Get a job you lazy bitch!"

Most Helpful User Review:
Jeez, reminded me of my sister-in-law...

BIFTA Nomination: Best Income Supporting Actress (2012)

Directed by: Floyd Flinders. UK/US. Colour.

Half-A-Christmas  (2011)

Also Known As: Half-A-Sixpence, Arthur Sixpence, Arthur Fowler, It Ain't Half Christmas Mum

Genre: Children's/Family

Starring: James McAvoy & Bill Nighy (voices)

Plot:
With only two weeks left until Christmas, a dysfunctional young man loses all his money on a stupid bet. Penniless until payday on January 9th, his Christmas Day consists of hanging tinsel on his houseplants and eating beans on toast for dinner.

Quotes:
Arthur: "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells! Jingle all the way! Oh what fun it is to eat baked beans on Christmas Day!"

Most Helpful User Review:
Sprouts are for life, not just for Christmas!

BIFTA Winner: Best Get To Bed (2012)

Directed by: Stan Dupp. US. Colour.

The King's Peach  (2010)

Also Known As: The King and Fruit, Der Koenig der Pfirsich, Papa Don't Peach, For God's Sake It's Only a Peach

Genre: Drama

Starring: Colin Firth and Geoffrey Rush

Plot:
Colin Firth stars as King George VI of Britain, whose impromptu ascension to the throne threw his embarrassing phobia of peaches into the spotlight. Geoffrey Rush plays the psychotherapist who helps him get over it.

Quotes:
Queen Elizabeth: "I know dearest, but it isn't good for one to scream when the King of Norway's butler brings out peach tarte for dessert."

Most Helpful User Review:
A fascinating look into the struggles faced by George VI on his way to becoming king.

BIFTA Winner: Best Actor in a Shrinking Role (2011)

Directed by: Lenny Barn. UK. Colour.

The Boat that Docked  (2009)

Also Known As: The Boat that Stopped, Dock the Boat

Genre: Comedy/Drama

Starring: Philip Seymour Hoffman, Bill Nighy, Rhys Ifans and Nick Frost

Plot:
The story of a ship with its crew and passengers arriving safely at the port of Felixtowe.

Quotes:
Captain Birdseye: "Thank you for travelling with us, have a safe onward journey."

Most Helpful User Review:
Cheesy at times and not always factually accurate, but so uplifting! Simply a good-humoured and moving British movie and a tribute to shipping.

BIFTA Nomination: Best Anchor Drop by a Supporting Extra (2010)

Directed by: Richard Curtis. UK. Colour.

A Christmas Carrot  (2009)

Also Known As: Scroooooooooooge!

Genre: Children's/Family

Starring: Jim Carrey, Gary Oldman & Ruth Maddock (voices)

Plot:
Disney's adaptation of the Dickens classic. A cantankerous old miser learns to appreciate Christmas when a ghostly visitor replaces all his money with a carrot.

Quotes:
Scrooge: "Give me back my coins you thieving shit!"

Most Helpful User Review:
It's a toss-up between this and the George C Scott version.

BIFTA Nomination: Best Roast Potatoes Cooked by a Supporting Actor (2010)

Directed by: Phil McGravyboat. US. Colour.

Electrolux in Blue  (2009)

Also Known As: Electro Glide in Bolton, Suck It Up, I'll Hoover - You Dust

Genre: Drama/Thriller

Starring: Julie Walters and Victoria Wood

Plot:
Two friends start their own cleaning business, and it's a race against time to fix the mess that their new high powered vacuum has made of their client's shag-pile rug.

Quotes:
Mandy: "Shit, turn it off! Turn it off!!"
Tracey: "Oh my God oh my God oh my God..."

Most Helpful User Review:
Outstanding characterisation, dialogue and acting. When the shit hits the fan, you're right there rooting for them.

BIFTA Winner: Best Bagless Upright under £300 (2010)

Directed by: Ben Addiction. UK. Colour.

The Curious Case of Benjamin Mutton  (2008)

Also Known As: Sheepish in Seattle, Sheep Impact

Genre: Drama/Fantasy/Romance

Starring: Brad Pitt and Cate Blanchett

Plot:
Tells the story of Benjamin Mutton, a man who starts turning into a sheep with bizarre consequences.

Quotes:
Benjamin: "Tell you what, honey, I feel a bit weird... "
Daisy: "You do look a bit woolly."

Most Helpful User Review:
A true epic that left me utterly speechless. It is an extremely graceful depiction of life and love. I'll never look at a lamb chop in the same way again.

BIFTA Winner: Best Special Effects (2009)

Directed by: David Fincher. US. Colour.

Quantum of Bollocks  (2008)

Also Known As: Quantum of Sollocks, Quantum Leapfrog

Genre: Action/Thriller

Starring: Daniel Craig

Plot:
Daniel Craig's second outing as 007. Secret agent James Bond is assigned to infiltrate the country's worst board meetings and eradicate the sheer bollocks, buzzwords and "outside-the-box" crap which is literally boring people to death.

Quotes:
Derek Smithers: "Are we singing from the same hymn sheet? Good. Moving forward, I want some blue-sky thinking from you all. With value added."

Most Helpful User Review:
As soon as that project manager started talking about their new initiative "washing its own face", I had to leave the cinema. Too much of that bollocks where I work.

BIFTA Winner: Best Assistant Manager in a Supporting Role (2009)

Directed by: Susan Tully. UK/US. Colour.

No Country for Old Farts  (2007)

Also Known As: Grumpy Old Men

Genre: Drama/Thriller

Starring: Jeremy Clarkson, Rick Wakeman and Arthur Smith

Plot:
Jeremy Clarkson vents yet more hot air on his favourite subjects: traffic, hoodies, Isambard Kingdom Brunel, Britain and America. Again.

Quotes:
Clarkson: "I honestly think that in certain parts of America now, people have started to mate with vegetables."

Most Helpful User Review:
Thought this was gonna be like Top Gear. It's not. Crap.

BIFTA Winner: Best Hot Air (2008)

Directed by: Barry Chuckle. UK. Colour.

The Lives of Otters  (2006)

Also Known As: Das Leben der Otter

Genre: Drama/Thriller

Starring: Sebastian Koch, Ulrich Muehe & Martina Gedeck (voices)

Plot:
In 1984 East Berlin, a wildlife enthusiast conducting surveillance on a group of otters finds himself becoming increasingly absorbed by their lives. Subtitles.

Quotes:
Georg: "Fascinating creatures, otters. Look! Look at that one! Aw, he's going for a swim."
Maria: "Right. Can we go now?"

Most Helpful User Review:
I wonder why there has been so little written and publicised about this movie. This should be seen in every country and its merits trumpeted from the skies. Those otters were super cute.

BIFTA Winner: Best Film in an Animal Language (2007)

Directed by: Florian Henckel von Donnerkebab. Germany. Colour.

Takeaway Royale  (2006)

Also Known As: Savoy Grill, Bhuna Banquet Buffet, I Want That Naan

Genre: Action/Thriller

Starring: Daniel Craig and Fiona Phillips as Miss Moneypenny

Plot:
Daniel Craig successfully takes over the role of James Bond in this high octane action thriller.

Spies are thought to be operating from the local Indian restaurant and takeaway. When captured, Bond must eat a whole chicken vindaloo without the aid of water.

Quotes:
Waiter: "Would you like rice or naan with that?"

Most Helpful User Review:
Well they dint have Deliveroo in them days innit.

BIFTA Winner: Best Free Delivery Service (2007)

Directed by: Onken Mousse. US/UK. Colour.

The 40 Year Old Pigeon  (2005)

Also Known As: Like a Pigeon, News Crew Over the Pigeon's Nest, Oh My Bird!

Genre: Comedy/Documentary

Starring: Roger Johnson and Annabel Tiffin

Plot:
It's a slow day at BBC North West News, but local TV reporters uncover a remarkable story about a pigeon who has been nesting on someone's balcony for the past 40 years.

Quotes:
Roger: "And now it's over to Stuart Flinders who's in Salford with a very special feathered friend..."

Most Helpful User Review:
It's a different pigeon!

BIFTA Nomination: Best Nest (2006)

Directed by: Buck Sphizz. UK. Colour.

Around the Shops in 80 Minutes  (2005)

Also Known As: Rush Hour and Twenty Minutes, What Not to Wear

Genre: Children's/Adventure

Starring: Cilla Black and Dale Winton

Plot:
Dale Winton and Cilla Black star as best friends in this family favourite race-against-time adventure. When given short notice of a fabulous party, they only have 80 minutes before the shops close in which to find the perfect outfit for the occasion.

Quotes:
Dale: "Does my bum look big in this?"

Most Helpful User Review:
It was tense, girlfriend.

BIFTA Winner: Best Dressed Actress in a Lead Role (2006)

Directed by: Dandy Beano. UK. Colour.

Big Trouble in Littlewoods  (2005)

Also Known As: Liquidation for Littlewoods, That Pesky Internet, The Good Old Days

Genre: Action

Starring: Kurt Russell and Linda Robson

Plot:
It started as a shopping catalogue company. At its height, there were about 4,000 employees working for Littlewoods. However, the catalogue market was transformed with the emergence of the internet, and eventually all the shops were closed. Ah well.

Quotes:
Mike: "Littlewoods is closing down?! Christ. What next, Woolworths?"
Sharon: "Don't be stupid..."

Most Helpful User Review:
I was riveted by the preposterous plot from beginning to end.

BIFTA Winner: Lifetime Award for Bags (2006)

Directed by: John Carpenter. UK. Colour.

March of the Penguins  (2005)

Also Known As: Journey of the Penguins, Happy Feet, Funny Feet, P-P-P-P-P-P Pick up a Penguin

Genre: Documentary

Starring: some penguins

Plot:
Documentary about the perils of Penguin biscuits and their journey over glaciers in trecherous weather conditions.

Quotes:
Voiceover: "And here, in temperatures of below minus twenty degrees, the Penguins are quite safe from melting."

Most Helpful User Review:
I love penguins, me.

BIFTA Winner: Best Snow Storm (2006)

Directed by: Morris McVitie. US. Colour.

V for Viennetta  (2005)

Also Known As: I for Ice Scream, W for Walls, T for Tasty, Naughty but Nice

Genre: Thriller/Fantasy

Starring: Hugo Spiffing and Mungo Jerry

Plot:
A shadowy ice cream salesman known only as "V" uses bizarre tactics to fight against his local council's decision to limit Sunday trading hours for ice cream vans.

Quotes:
V: "Mind that child!"

Most Helpful User Review:
Sensational!

BIFTA Winner: Best Kept Below -4 Degrees C (2006)

Directed by: Lucky Dipp. UK. Colour.

Alien vs Pingu  (2004)

Also Known As: AVP, PVA

Genre: Sci-Fi/Horror

Starring: Lance Henriksen

Plot:
An alien spaceship crash lands in Antarctica where upon it meets Pingu - a force to be reckoned with.

Quotes:
Pingu: "Mwah mwah!"

Most Helpful User Review:
Scraping the bottom of the Alien franchise perhaps, but this CGI meets stop-motion movie is actually quite brilliant.

BIFTA Nomination: Best Snowball Fight (2005)

Directed by: Moomin Troll. US. Colour.

Along Came Polygamy  (2004)

Also Known As: Along Came Complications, Marriage Mayhem, Four in a Bed, Sister Wives, Selfish Bastard, I Do I Do I Do

Genre: Comedy/Romance

Starring: Ben Stiller, Jennifer Aniston and Debra Messing

Plot:
A buttoned up newlywed finds his too organised life falling into chaos when his church leader suggests he take a second wife.

Quotes:
Reuben: "Come on, honey - think of all the help you'll have with the housework. It'll be great, you'll see."

Most Helpful User Review:
Lifestyle choice, my foot.

BIFTA Nomination: Best Control and Oppression Techniques (2005)

Directed by: Warren Jeffs. US. Colour.

Blazing Saddleworth  (2004)

Also Known As: Moors! Moors! Moors!, Oklacoma!

Genre: Western/Comedy/Adventure

Starring: Roger Moore

Plot:
The sleepy moors of Saddleworth become under threat when business tycoon Jeffrey Tarmacadam reveals plans to turn them into the country's biggest municipal car park.

Unfortunately, he had not reckoned on a small community of country folk who believe they are Wild-West pioneers living in the year 1883.

Quotes:
Farmer Barleymow: "Gerrorf moy laaaaand!"

Most Helpful User Review:
Proper laugh riot!

BIFTA Winner: Best Wellies in Size 11 (2005)

Directed by: Mel Andsue. UK. Colour.

The Sewing Machinist  (2004)

Also Known As: The Rag Trade, Raggy Dolls, Sally and Me

Genre: Thriller/Drama

Starring: Julie Hesmondhalgh and Sally Whittaker

Plot:
Julie Hesmondhalgh famously put on 6 lbs to star as Hayley Cropper in this cult classic "Coronation Street" feature length soap spin-off.

Quotes:
Hayley: "Mr Baldwin says we have to stay until six, Sal."

Most Helpful User Review:
Released straight to DVD.

BIFTA Winner: Best Supporting Seamstress (2005)

Directed by: Martin Quaffle. UK. Colour.

Bunco Booth  (2003)

Also Known As: You're Gonna Be Excited Be Delighted Maybe But Not A Lot, That's Magic!

Genre: Thriller

Starring: Colin Farrell, Paul Daniels and Debbie McGee

Plot:
Colin Farrell bunks off work and goes to the seaside. He gets trapped in a disturbed magician's 'Bunco Booth' until he has successfully guessed which of three cups a ball is under. He soon wishes he'd gone to see clairvoyant Madame Rosti instead.

Quotes:
The Great Supremo: "Is this your card?"

Most Helpful User Review:
A white knuckle nerve wrecker.

BIFTA Nomination: Best Rabbit-In-A-Hat Trick by a Supporting Actor (2004)

Directed by: Joel Shoemaker. UK. Colour.

Eggs by the Dozen  (2003)

Also Known As: Sunny Side Up, Cheaper by the Shitload

Genre: Comedy

Starring: Steve Martin and Carrie Baskets

Plot:
A family moves from Manhattan to rural Maine in order to run a dairy farm, and ends up in a whole heap of trouble when the free range hens stop laying.

Quotes:
Mary: "This was all your rotten idea! Move to the country and keep chickens. Fucking stinks. And we've still got no eggs."

Most Helpful User Review:
A fairly amusing family comedy, with almost no relation to the book.

BIFTA Nomination: Best Before 01 Apr (2004)

Directed by: Drew Pictures. US. Colour.

Shit Actually  (2003)

Also Known As: Shite Actually, Big Heap o' Shit

Genre: Romantic Comedy

Starring: Hugh Grant, Colin Firth, Bill Nighy and Martine McCutcheon

Plot:
Follows the lives of eight dreadfully boring couples dealing with their love lives in various loosely related tales all set at Christmas in London, England.

Quotes:
Mark: "I knew from the moment I saw you across the crowded room I wanted you. How much for 10 minutes?"

Most Helpful User Review:
Girl-meets-fop bollocks. Cringeworthy flirting, terrible overacting - my wife made me sit through this shit at the cinema. We're divorced now.

BIFTA Winner: Best Embarrassingly Cringy Ending (2004)

Directed by: Richard Curtis. UK. Colour.

X-Mental  (2003)

Also Known As: Super-Loonies, Super-Loopies, Super Loopy Nuts Are We

Genre: Sci-Fi

Starring: Patrick Strewart and Ian McEllen

Plot:
A group of former mental health patients gang together to fight injustice in the NHS.

Quotes:
Mr Sniffles: "I demand to see your clinical director!"

Most Helpful User Review:
As someone who has suffered from mental illness, I found this highly offensive.

BIFTA Nomination: Best Excuses for Employing Slipshod Cleaning Staff (2004)

Directed by: Oliver Dither. UK. Colour.

2001: Has Been and Gone  (2002)

Also Known As: 2001: A Confusing Oddity, Space: The Final Film

Genre: Sci-Fi/Thriller

Starring: John Nettles

Plot:
Scientists discover a mysterious object on the surface of the moon and, with the intelligent computer PAL, set off on a quest to find out what it is. Before long they realise someone has beaten them to it.

Quotes:
Captain Flummp: "In space, no-one can hear you fart."

Most Helpful User Review:
Some tense moments, however this film is a bit mad.

BIFTA Nomination: Best Weightlessness Effects (2003)

Directed by: Stanley Housebrick. US. Colour.

The Bourbon Identity  (2002)

Also Known As: Bourbon Creams, Tesco's Finest Bourbon Creams, Sainsbury's Be Good to Yourself

Genre: Action/Thriller

Starring: Matt Damon

Plot:
Matt Damon stars in this high-octane thriller of intrigue, murder and biscuits.

A production line worker for the Big Business Biscuit Company is accused of stealing bourbon creams from the packaging department. It's a race against time to find the real culprit and clear his good name.

Quotes:
Boss: "These biscuits have gone soft! What have I said about closing the fucking tin?"

Most Helpful User Review:
Hooray for decent, more realistic action films!

BIFTA Winner: Best Melting Moments (2003)

Directed by: Panini Stickers. US. Colour.

Desperately Seeking Asylum  (2002)

Also Known As: Immigration Story, Little Britain, The UKIP Party Election Broadcast

Genre: Drama

Starring: Jeremy Clarkson and Felix Toe

Plot:
The story of millions and millions of illegal immigrants trying to gain entry into Britain.

Quotes:
Housing Officer: "No, you don't have to pay Council Tax. There are plenty of British pensioners we can bleed dry instead."

Most Helpful User Review:
Disgraceful racist propaganda, no wonder Daily Mail readers voted it "Film of the Decade" in December 2009.

BIFTA Winner: Best Stop Talking Now (2003)

Directed by: Crimble Croft. UK. Colour.

Gangs of West Yorkshire  (2002)

Also Known As: Halifax Gives You Extra, Sleepless in Skipton, Bradford & Bingley Ride Again, The Yorkshire Gripper

Genre: Drama

Starring: Dame Judi Dench and the Chuckle Brothers

Plot:
Rival gangs from all over the Calderdale Valley fight it out for supremacy over the Hebden Bridge Sunday Car-Boot Sale.

Quotes:
Ernest: "Oh yeah? You and whose army?"

Most Helpful User Review:
It is an enthralling, bloody, melodramatic epic that more than justifies its two and one half hour running time. Very violent too - makes Goodfellas look like Grange Hill.

BIFTA Winner: Best Bitter (2003)

Directed by: Martin Scorsese. UK. Colour.

The Pint of Lumpy Bisto  (2002)

Also Known As: Granules of Truth, Ahh Bisto!

Genre: Action, Adventure, Drama

Starring: Guy Pearce and Linda Bellingham

Plot:
A young man exacts revenge on the "friend" who mocks his lack of culinary skills.

Quotes:
Edmond: "You mock me?"
Graham: "Mock you?! You should be imprisoned for crimes against the tastebuds!"

Most Helpful User Review:
Just add boiling water.

BIFTA Nomination: Outstanding Table Setting (2003)

Directed by: Gordon Bleu. US. Colour.

Spend It Like Beckham  (2002)

Also Known As: Spend It in Peckham, Big Spender, Loadsamoney!

Genre: Comedy/Drama/Romance

Starring: Parminder Nagra and Keira Knightley

Plot:
When a teenage girl receives ₤100 in birthday money, she takes her best friend on a shopping spree, while pretending to be "Posh Spice" Victoria Beckham for the day.

Quotes:
Jess: "I tell you what I want, what I really really want..."

Jules: "So tell me what you want, what you really really want."

Jess: "I really really really wanna zigazig-ah."

Jules: "Huh??"

Most Helpful User Review:
Fabulous feelgood movie, I loved it when they were singing "Stop Right Now" at the back of the bus.

BIFTA Winner: Best Not Miss This (2003)

Directed by: Gurinder Chadha. UK. Colour.

Fairground Attraction  (2001)

Also Known As: It's Got to Be-e-e-e-e-e-e Perfect, The Waltzers, Dodgem if You Can, Scream if You Wanna Go Faster

Genre: Drama

Starring: Geri Halliwell and Dean Gaffney

Plot:
The story of love between a lad from a travelling fair and an obsessive young 'bunny-boiler'.

Quotes:
Jane: "Don't diss me or ah'll rip yer fuckin' head off! Right?"

Most Helpful User Review:
SPOILER: Famous for the scene with the goldfish and the candy floss - the animals always cop for it, don't they?

BIFTA Nomination: Best Sovereign Rings (2002)

Directed by: Gripper Stebson. UK. Colour.

The Picture of Dorien Green  (2001)

Also Known As: What a Picture!, You Call That Art?

Genre: Drama/Fantasy

Starring: Pauline Quirke, Linda Robson and Lesley Joseph

Plot:
Birds of a Feather spin-off. Sharon and Tracey discover that Dorien has started taking art classes. When she brings home a self-portait, they take the piss for 90 minutes in this light-hearted comedy drama.

Quotes:
Sharon: "I could paint a better picture with my arsehole!"

Most Helpful User Review:
The wife loved it.

BIFTA Winner: Tracey Emin Special Award for Utter Shite (2002)

Directed by: Minnie Milk. UK. Colour / Black & White.

Raging Bullshit  (2001)

Also Known As: Vanessa, The Time The Place, Liar Liar, Yeah Right

Genre: Documentary

Starring: Vanessa Feltz and Buster Bonk

Plot:
Vanessa Feltz famously put on three stone for this documentary about her ill-fated chat show, which caused a scandal when it was revealed that fake "guests" were used on the programme.

Quotes:
Mandy: "Yes, I married my guinea pig."

Most Helpful User Review:
Used to love that programme, what happened to it? Fell asleep through this film.

BIFTA Winner: Best Load of Crap Ever To Hit The Screens (2002)

Directed by: Martin Scorsese. UK. Colour.

Strangers on a Tram  (2001)

Also Known As: Swapsies, Multicoloured Swap Shop, 01 811 8055

Genre: Thriller/Drama

Starring: Ant McPartlin and Declan Donnelly

Plot:
Remake of the Hitchcock classic.

Two 12-year-olds, Billy Grunt and Jimmy Tardis, meet on a tram from Oldham to Derker, and talk about swapping Panini football stickers.

Billy takes the swap too seriously and continues to stalk Jimmy until he's traded his umpteenth spare Ryan Giggs for Jimmy's Shaun Goater.

Quotes:
Jimmy: "Got... Got... Got..."

Most Helpful User Review:
Not bad for a remake.

BIFTA Nomination: Top Trumps (2002)

Directed by: Albert Stopcock. UK. Colour.

There's Something About Farting  (2001)

Also Known As: Well There Is Isn't There?

Genre: Comedy/Documentary

Starring: Joe Public and Ross Kemp

Plot:
What is it about farting that makes people laugh? This documentary aims to uncover what it is about passing wind that makes people chuckle, with raw footage of everyday people farting in everyday places. At home, in the office, on the school run, at the gym.

Ross Kemp investigates.

Quotes:
Maggie: "That wasn't me."

Most Helpful User Review:
Puerile.

BIFTA Winner: Best Raspberries (2002)

Directed by: Ali Pongo. UK. Colour.

The Udders  (2001)

Also Known As: Udderly Butterly, Udder Nonsense, Pull The Udder One, An Udder One Bites the Dust, Don't Stop Me Cow

Genre: Drama/Horror/Mystery

Starring: Nicole Kidman, Dean Gaffney and Natalie Cassidy

Plot:
A woman living on an isolated farm, whose two children suffer from an allergy to dairy products, goes out of her mind when the cows invade the house.

Quotes:
Beth: "Get out! Get out of this house! You stupid moo!"

Most Helpful User Review:
The acting was down to earth and realistic, despite Nicole Kidman forced into saying some foolish lines ("Cow dung! Cow dung! Everywhere!" ). The two child actors were excellent in a fairly difficult role for children.

BIFTA Winner: Best Butter (2002)

Directed by: Benny Fits. US. Colour.

Gladioli  (2000)

Also Known As: Glad Tidings, Glad Am I, Glad to be Gay, Gladioli Gladioli Gladioli

Genre: Action/Adventure/Drama

Starring: Russell Grant and Dame Edna Everage

Plot:
A Roman Florist sets out to exact vengeance against the rival competitor who stole his best designs and passed them off as his own.

Quotes:
Gluttonous Maximus: "My name is Gluttonous Maximus Meridian!"
Bifidus Digestivum: "So? Do you want a badge?"

Most Helpful User Review:
The costumes, the acting, the scenery and the floristry, made me think that I had traveled back to 180 AD. Russell Grant is a true Hollywood legend, and he is superb in this movie.

BIFTA Winner: Best Flower Arrangements (2001)

Directed by: Ridley Scott. US. Colour.

Enough Is Not Enough  (1999)

Also Known As: Just Can't Get Enough, Enough Ain't Enough Ain't Enough

Genre: Action/Adventure/Crime

Starring: Pierce Brosnan

Plot:
James Bond simply can't get enough action and adventure, so he asks Q for yet more overtime.

Quotes:
007: "I can handle it, boss. Another double shift for me."

Most Helpful User Review:
Well it's Bond! He's back again with usual set of gags, gadgets, girls and guns! Can the world not get enough of this already?

BIFTA Winner: Outstanding Contribution to the Workplace (2000)

Directed by: Michael Aspel. UK/US. Colour.

Fart Club  (1999)

Also Known As: Pump Action, First Dates

Genre: Action/Thriller/Fantasy

Starring: Brad Pitt and Edward Norton

Plot:
Gang of young single men hang out together and discuss the trouble it takes to impress a girl.

Quotes:
Ed: "Rule one: You don't talk about farting. Rule two: You don't talk about farting."

Most Helpful User Review:
Immature claptrap.

BIFTA Winner: Best Advice (2000)

Directed by: Ivan Ideer. US. Colour.

From Rusholme with Love  (1999)

Also Known As: Blackalicious Rides Again, Shafted

Genre: Action/Thriller/Adventure

Starring: Barry Adamson as Bond, Nick Cave as Q, and Blixa Bargeld as Blofeld

Plot:
More from the James Bond franchise. Barry Adamson stars as the first black 007.

Quotes:
Bond: "I'm just a jazz devil..."

Most Helpful User Review:
Caused a big hoo-hah in America's deep south - even more so than when Madonna released her "Like a Prayer" video in the '80s.

BIFTA Winner: Best Get Up (2000)

Directed by: Daniel Miller. US/UK. Colour.

Action Man  (1998)

Also Known As: Action Jacks, Action Jackson, G.I. Joe, Eagle Eyed Joe, Ugly Kid Joe, The Plastic Action Hero

Genre: Action

Starring: Vin Diesel, Steven Segal, Action Man, Man-At-Arms, Battlecat and Skeletor

Plot:
Live action film based upon the popular man-doll.

Action Man is sent deep into a sandpit belonging to an 8-year-old boy to infiltrate a vicious gang of He-Man action figures that plan to take over the garden.

Quotes:
Action Man: "Action Man to all units, the wendy house is secured, I repeat, the wendy house is secured!"

Most Helpful User Review:
As if the scuba chase across the tadpole-infested pond to the devastating Ker-Plunk weapon wasn't exciting enough, the final confrontation on the Crossbows and Catapults set by the Millennium Falcon left me breathless.

BIFTA Winner: Best Miniatures (1999)

Directed by: Kenner Mattel-Toys. US. Colour.

Enter the Drag Queen  (1998)

Also Known As: Feathers of Fury, Bags of Fun, Me And My Eye Shadow, Mincing Queen, Queer as Folk

Genre: Drama/Comedy/LGBT

Starring: Paul O'Grady

Plot:
With a cast of colourful characters, this is the only big screen excursion for Paul O'Grady's alter ego, Lily Savage, a drag artist on the Blackpool Gay Scene.

Can Lily perfect her act, and steal the show at the Pink Flamingos Comedy Night?

Quotes:
Lily: "Looks like we've got help with the washing up!"

Most Helpful User Review:
Fabulous, darlings.

BIFTA Winner: Best Sequins and Suspenders (1999)

Directed by: Oldham Mumps. UK. Colour.

Forbidden Wotsit  (1998)

Also Known As: Forbidden Food, Cheesy Puffs, Wot No Proper Crisps? Wot's That You're Eating? Can I Have One?

Genre: Sci-Fi/Thriller

Starring: Will Smith

Plot:
The year is 2087. All overweight people have been purged from society, and anyone gaining a BMI of over 20 is "regenerated". Salads and fat free foods are all that's available to the general population, and everyone is under strict watch by the Food Police.

Then a Food Police Officer finds himsef in bother after being tempted by an ancient bag of Wotsits he finds in his loft...

Quotes:
Chief Food Inspector Bottomley: "Officer Dribble, what are you doing?..."

Most Helpful User Review:
Bags of suspense which kept us all on pins and needles.

BIFTA Nomination: Best Not Because You Won't Eat Your Tea (1999)

Directed by: Henry Fondle. US/UK. Colour.

Poke Ma Honkers  (1998)

Also Known As: Poke Her Honkers, Poker Honkers

Genre: Children's

Starring: Barbara Windsor and Jim Dale

Plot:
Barbara Windsor and Jim Dale of "Carry On" fame are re-united to star in this raunchy Native American History flick. Based on the cartoon of the same name.

Quotes:
Meeko: "I'm determined to go out with a bang."

Most Helpful User Review:
This is the BEST Disney channel movie you will ever see. In fact, this is the only Disney channel movie you should watch. Screw High School Musical.

BIFTA Winner: Best Honkers (1999)

Directed by: Charley Horse. UK. Colour.

A Grand Day In  (1997)

Also Known As: Daytime Telly, Plasticine People, Morph Was Shit

Genre: Children's/Animation

Starring: Wallace, Gromit and Milk Bottle-Tops

Plot:
Wallace and Gromit decide to stay in and watch telly. They watch Trisha, This Morning, Bargain Hunt and Countdown. Sounds grand to me.

Quotes:
Wallace: "Gromit, this cheese is bloody horrible - it tastes like Play-Doh."

Most Helpful User Review:
Just watched this again during Covid lockdown. Wish Trisha was still on. And Montell Williams, whatever happened to him?

BIFTA Winner: Best TV Times (1998)

Directed by: Nick Park. UK. Colour.

I Know What You Cooked Last Tuesday  (1997)

Also Known As: I Just Can't Stop Cooking Food, Death Chef, Yes Chef, Farmhouse Kitchen, Now Wash Your Hands

Genre: Horror

Starring: Delia Smith, Anthony Worral-Thompson, Ainsley Harriot, Jamie Oliver and Susan Brookes

Plot:
TV celebrity chefs are suspected of murder by food poisoning. Who is guilty? Who is innocent? Who cares?

Quotes:
Peter: "I don't think that ravioli agreed with me...."

Most Helpful User Review:
This movie just does not measure up, but it is still entertaining.

BIFTA Winner: Best Recipe for Beef (1998)

Directed by: Stu Pidd. UK. Colour.

The People Under the Weather  (1997)

Also Known As: Sick People, Lazy Bastards, Will You Please Tell Mr Trimble I Won't Be Coming in Today?

Genre: Horror

Starring: Shaz Batt, Alexander Backhander and Much Wenlock

Plot:
A couple lying in bed on a cold and rainy Monday morning decide to throw a sickie from work and stay in bed watching TV.

While watching Robert-Killjoy-Silk, the doorbell rings. The husband loses the coin toss and goes down to answer the door. Preoccupied with the fact that he's missing the juicy confessions of aged lesbians on TV, he fails to notice that the visitor is carrying a knife... until it's too late.

Quotes:
Joanne: "Have you farted?"

Most Helpful User Review:
The best home invasion film ever! The way he tortures the couple by switching off the telly and making them read books until five o'clock is priceless.

BIFTA Winner: Best Excuse for Staying Off Work (1998)

Directed by: John Craven. UK. Colour.

The Post-It Always Sticks Twice  (1997)

Also Known As: Partners, Le Sticky Note, Der Post-It Zweimal Immer Schticken

Genre: Drama

Starring: Tom Hanks and Susan Sarandon

Plot:
Drama about the lives of office workers. Office manager, Martin Trumps, comes down hard on staff wasting stationery.

Quotes:
Derek: "That canteen's getting worse, they've stopped doing scrambled eggs."

Most Helpful User Review:
God, it's just like that at ours.

BIFTA Nomination: Best Tension in an Office Environment (1998)

Directed by: Hartley Hare. US. Colour.

Family Fortunes of War  (1996)

Also Known As: Fortunes of Family, Family At War, TV Hell

Genre: War

Starring: Les Dennis, Ross Kemp, Mr Babbage and 100 people surveyed

Plot:
The Saturday night game show is given a twist in a one-off, feature-length special. Soldiers and their families are asked questions such as: "Name a way in which you can torture a prisoner".

The film naturally caused a scandal on its release.

Quotes:
Les: "If it's up there I'll give you the money meself!"

Most Helpful User Review:
Shite.

BIFTA Nomination: Best Game Show Bloopers (1997)

Directed by: Bobby Dazzler. UK. Colour.

The Hamshank Redemption  (1996)

Also Known As: Prisoner: Cell Block Ham, Jailhouse Pork, If You Can't Stand the Meat, Meat and Two Veg, Escape from Dinner

Genre: Drama

Starring: Todd Carty and Ted Robbins

Plot:
Story of unrest amongst inmates over the barely edible prison food.

Quotes:
Dave: "Stick your rotten burgers up your arse!"

Most Helpful User Review:
The most talked about scenes being the messy jacket-potato-in-a-sock battering, and the classic food fight in the hall.

BIFTA Winner: Best Unrest (1997)

Directed by: Willie Winkie. UK. Colour.

Trainspotters  (1996)

Also Known As: Anoraks, Trains 'R' Us, Hornby Rail Set

Genre: Drama/Fantasy

Starring: Ronnie Corbett, Maureen Lipman, William Roache, Dennis Waterman and Steve Davis

Plot:
The story of addiction and locomotives in Yorkshire.

Quotes:
Lenny: "Choose life. Choose a big telly. Choose an R186 signal box."

Most Helpful User Review:
As a massive model railway fan (I'll have you know that I own the biggest collection this side of Rotherham), it is good to see train enthusiasts on the big screen.

BIFTA Winner: Best of the Best (1997)

Directed by: Jodrell Bank. UK. Colour.

Twat Town  (1996)

Also Known As: Welsh Rarebit, Vally Ho, Tourettes Town

Genre: Black Comedy

Starring: Ruth Maddock and Catherine Zeta Jones

Plot:
Welsh black comedy set in the seaside town of Twatton.

Quotes:
Gwen: "Fuckin' hell, Rhodri, you fuckin' ate all the fuckin' goddamn fudge you fat fuck!"

Most Helpful User Review:
This film infamously has more uses of the F-word than any other in history: 741. I counted them. And now the pause button on my top-loading VHS Ferguson Videostar is broken.

BIFTA Winner: Best Welsh Film (1997)

Directed by: Alpine Pop. UK. Colour.

Carpetworld  (1995)

Also Known As: Carpet Right!

Genre: Fantasy

Starring: Kevin Costner

Plot:
In a futuristic world where wood, laminate and vinyl floors are long out of fashion, a carpet-fitter trains a young protege in the lost art of parquet flooring.

Quotes:
Bill: "Shit, where's me Stanley knife?"

Most Helpful User Review:
A ridiculous, over the top, behemoth of a movie (I watched the 'Useless Cut') that was a huge flop, but what can I say? I loved it.

BIFTA Winner: Best Waste of Money (1996)

Directed by: Kevin Costner. US/UK. Colour.

A Chocolate Orange  (1995)

Also Known As: Oranges Are Not the Only Fruit, No Chocolate Please We're British!

Genre: Horror

Starring: Mark Addy, Ray Winstone, Dawn French and Lulu

Plot:
The tale of a young man's passion for chocolate, Beethoven and ultraviolence. After an armed chocolate raid down at the local Kwik Save, Terry Allgold is selected for an experimental treatment where constant exposure to films of Dawn French eating mounds of chocolate oranges gives him a horrific aversion to chocolate. The merest whiff of chocolate causes him to vomit copiously while trying to sing "The Lord Is My Shepherd" in Welsh.

Quotes:
Sharon: "It's not Terry's, it's mine."

Most Helpful User Review:
Controversial. Famously removed from distribution by its director after a vicious backlash from Cadburys and Nestle in the British press.

BIFTA Winner: Best Share That with Me (1996)

Directed by: Stanley Housebrick. UK. Colour.

Mary Poppers  (1995)

Also Known As: Nanny Amyl Nitrate, It's A Jolly Horror Day With Mary

Genre: Musical/Children's

Starring: Julie Andrews, Ewan McGregor, Jack Straw and Shaun Ryder

Plot:
Ill-advised sequel to the children's musical where a mysterious nanny worms her way into an upper class London home and corrupts the whole family with her small bottles of "sugar to help the medicine go down". It's not long before everyone has a sudden rush of euphoria accompanied by song and dance numbers.

Quotes:
Mary: "Let me skin up - yours are too tight."

Most Popular Song: "SuperSmackAndCrackAndPotAnd-Ecstasyalidocious"
Music and Lyrics: Ozric Tentacles

Most Helpful User Review:
Some say it was a social comment on '90s attitudes amongst youth towards drugs, I say it was an excuse for Julie Andrews to take a few E's.

BIFTA Nomination: Best Bizarre Kaliedoscopic Trip Sequence (1996)

Directed by: Dai Latedpupils. UK. Colour.

The Usual Insects  (1995)

Also Known As: Plight at the Museum, Spiders and That, Ants!

Genre: Crime/Thriller/Mystery

Starring: Gabriel Byrne and Pete Postlethwaite

Plot:
When a curator at the British Museum in London accidentally throws some very rare specimens away with the trash, it's a race against time to replace them with insects found in the garden, before his boss notices.

Quotes:
McManus: "Now what did I do with those bloody jars?..."

Most Helpful User Review:
Made-for-TV crap with cops, robbers, fit-ups, conspiracy, car chases, love-interest, and murder. Oh no, hang on... that's not this film is it?

BIFTA Nomination: Best Not Let Anyone Find Out (1996)

Directed by: Norden Way. UK. Colour.

I.T. The Information Technician  (1994)

Also Known As: PC World, Just Because I Work with Computers Doesn't Mean I Like Fixing Them in My Spare Time

Genre: Children's/Sci-Fi

Starring: Michael J Fox

Plot:
Eye-watering story of a young boy, Elliot, who befriends an I.T. Support Technician he discovers living in his garden shed. The techie is on the run from everyone, as he is sick to death of answering questions and fixing computers. Elliot hides him in his wardrobe.

Quotes:
IT: "Re-boot!"

Most Helpful User Review:
Mawkish it may be, but it's a classic for a reason

BIFTA Winner: Best IT Supporting Actor (1995)

Directed by: Steven Spielberg. US. Colour.

Pup Friction  (1994)

Also Known As: And They Called It Puppy Love, How Clean Is Your House?

Genre: Crime/Drama

Starring: Uma Thurman, John Travolta and Samuel L. Jackson

Plot:
Four intertwining tales of criminals, gangsters, housework, and entertaining the dog.

Quotes:
Vincent: "Put a rug on a freshly polished floor? It's like setting a man-trap."

Most Helpful User Review:
That iconic dancing scene - with John Travolta and Uma Thurman doing the Shake 'n' Vac - is a hoot!

BIFTA Winner: Outstanding Achievement Award for Cleanliness (1995)

Directed by: Quentin Tarantino. US. Colour.

Interview with a Veggie  (1993)

Also Known As: Interview with a Vegetarian, Meat Is Murder, You Don't Have To Say You Love Meat, Give Peas a Chance

Genre: Documentary

Starring: Damon Allbran, Paul McCartney and Morrissey

Plot:
Thought-provoking documentary by Linda McCartney featuring interviews with famous vegetarians.

Quotes:
Interviewer: "So, what age were you when you realised you were a vegetarian?"

Most Helpful User Review:
Revealing and boring in equal parts.

BIFTA Nomination: Best Nut Cutlets (1994)

Directed by: Linda McCartney. UK/US. Colour.

Jacob's Cracker  (1993)

Also Known As: Biscuits of Death, Choke to Death, Hokum Choke 'Em, Jacob Marley

Genre: Horror/Fantasy

Starring: Ted Robbins and Phyllis Shave

Plot:
Throat-clutching horror whodunit set in a country hotel in Cumbria. Just who is responsible for the poisoned cream crackers?

Quotes:
David: "Yes, I've a room reserved under the name Gawpthorpe..."

Most Helpful User Review:
Original, scary, mesmerizing what more can I say?

BIFTA Winner: Best Room Service (1994)

Directed by: Stinky Navel. UK. Colour.

What's Eating Gilbert's Grapes?  (1993)

Also Known As: A Bug's Life, Fruit You Sir!

Genre: Drama

Starring: Johnny Depp, Leonardo DiCaprio and Juliette Lewis

Plot:
After his father's death, Gilbert has to take over the family vineyard, which is suddenly made more complicated when something starts devouring his crop.

Quotes:
Gilbert: "Something's eating my fucking grapes!"

Most Helpful User Review:
I cried buckets when he finally realised what it was.

BIFTA Winner: Best Organic Fruit of the Year (1994)

Directed by: Lou Roll. US. Colour.

Ghostwatching  (1992)

Also Known As: The Sounds of Hell, Minimoog Murders

Genre: Horror/Drama

Starring: Michael Parkinson, Sarah Greene, Mike Smith, Rod Hull and Emu

Plot:
Infamous BBC screenplay that got a bigger reaction on Right to Reply than any other single programme.

Set in the BBC Radiophonic Workshop, the crew are all haunted by the hellish sounds they have to produce. Decapitation (1) Thunder (3) and Screams (2 and 4) are used repeatedly by an unseen force, to drive the staff insane.

Quotes:
Rod Hull: "And now over to Emu for our outside weather broadcast..."

Most Helpful User Review:
Acted as if it were a real-life documentary, and is remembered for scaring millions of half-wit viewers who couldn't see through the transparent, wooden acting.

BIFTA Nomination: Best BBC Bullshit (1993)

Directed by: Eggy Pharts. UK. Colour.

Murder with Mushrooms  (1992)

Also Known As: Agatha Christie's Murder with Mushrooms, Agatha Christie's Death Trip, Agatha Christie's Day Tripper

Genre: Thriller/Mystery

Starring: Patricia Routledge

Plot:
Miss Marbles investigates the death of a housewife who was apparently experimenting with 'shrooms. Miss Marbles is not fooled.

Quotes:
Miss Marbles: "There's something stinky in this cup."

Most Helpful User Review:
God, it this still on?

BIFTA Winner: Best Trailers (1993)

Directed by: Ant Hill. UK. Colour.

Reservoir Drainage  (1992)

Also Known As: Greenbooth Rezzy

Genre: Action/Drama

Starring: Fred Dibnah and Helen Back

Plot:
When North West Water threaten to take over the local reservoir and increase utility bills, villagers take matters into their own hands.

Quotes:
Bill: "Aye, it were all fields 'round here back then."

Most Helpful User Review:
After reading this plot, you know this is not your average crime film. Epic.

BIFTA Winner: Best Pipes (1993)

Directed by: Quentin Tarantino. UK. Colour.

Texas Chainstore Massacre  (1992)

Also Known As: Chainsaw Massacre 2, Chainstore Slaughter 2, Texas Homecare

Genre: Horror

Starring: Lawrence Llewellin-Bellin, Cilla Black and Carol Decker

Plot:
Sequel. Interior designer goes on the stalk 'n' slash with power-tools after his temper snaps while trying to buy laminate flooring, as part of a TV makeover.

Quotes:
Peter: "Dado rail, my arse."

Most Helpful User Review:
DIY disasters with a difference - you won't see this on Changing Rooms!

BIFTA Nomination: Best Design Under Budget (1993)

Directed by: Ivor Bigg-Poole. UK. Colour.

With Noel and I  (1992)

Also Known As: Moors are Murder, Crinkly Bottom, Take the O' Out of Countryside, Booze and Drugs, Blob Shop, The Blob

Genre: Comedy

Starring: Noel Edmonds, Mr Blobby, Wayne Sleep and Richard Whitely

Plot:
Grammatically incorrect comedy. Noel Edmonds and Mr Blobby go to stay with Blobby's gay uncle in a small Yorkshire village.

Quotes:
Noel: "Right you fucker, I'm going to do the washing up!"
Mr Blobby: "Blobby blobby blobby! "

Most Helpful User Review:
Not just a cult classic...a classic - period.

BIFTA Winner: Best Bitter (1993)

Directed by: Andy Shandy. UK. Colour.

The Abominable Dr. Thighs  (1991)

Also Known As: Neck Crusher, Doctor Crusher, What a Way to Go!

Genre: Horror

Starring: a pre-X-Files Gillian Anderson

Plot:
Patients at the Nowhere Drive Surgery are being bumped off one by one by the new GP, who, while performing routine medical examinations, crushes their necks with her thighs.

Quotes:
Dr Thighs: "Can you bend over for me now, please? Thaaat's right."

Most Helpful User Review:
Intriguing, arousing and confusing. A must see.

BIFTA Nomination: Best Do What She Says (1992)

Directed by: Pile Driver. US. Colour.

The Brain from Planet Raptou  (1991)

Also Known As: Raptou is for You, It Cuts It Chops It Sucks, Innovations, Wait There's More!

Genre: Sci-Fi

Starring: Bertie Bassett and Anna Seed

Plot:
A UFO lands in the car park of the Thwackton branch of Asda, causing much panic amongst last-minute Christmas shoppers who presume aliens have come to steal every last turkey on Earth.

An alien in the form of a disembodied brain places a curse on the store's kitchen appliances - giving them a dangerous life of their own.

Quotes:
Woman #1: "Get away from that turkey, you bitch!"

Most Helpful User Review:
I bought one of them Raptou food slicers - took the tops of me fingers off!

BIFTA Winner: Best Christmas Album in the World... Ever! (1992)

Directed by: Admail Cheapcrap. UK. Colour.

A Tale of Two Titties  (1991)

Also Known As: Storm in a D Cup, Tantrums: The Movie

Genre: Drama

Starring: Lindsay Wagner, Shannon Doherty and Claire Raynor

Plot:
Lindsay Wagner and Shannon Doherty in a made-for-TV yarn about puberty, boys, clothes, make-up and breast implants. The ex-Bionic Woman actress is not best pleased when her wayward teenage daughter has yet another strop about getting DD cups.

Quotes:
Mum: "You're not going out like that! Get upstairs and get that off!"

Most Helpful User Review:
Saw this last week on Channel 5. Quite tame by today's standards of fake-everything plastic-looking reality-inspired celeb-wannabes.

BIFTA Winner: Best Do What Mum Says (1992)

Directed by: Linda Cleavage. US. Colour.

The Talented Mr. Kipling  (1991)

Also Known As: My Bar Fancies, Who Wants A Custard Tart?, Who Wants A Manchester Tart?, Hey Mr Pastry Man, Cakes Ahoy!

Genre: Drama/Thriller

Starring: David Jason, Melvyn Bragg, and Joan Bakewell

Plot:
Biography of the famous Mr. Kipling which tells the story of how he started his individual-sized cake conglomerate by murdering the real Mr. Kipling with a custard slice, and assuming his identity.

Quotes:
Mr Kipling: "Mmmmmm, delicious!"

Most Helpful User Review:
Exceedingly good.

BIFTA Winner: Best Put That Back, It's Mine (1992)

Directed by: Peachy Filling. UK. Colour.

Dances with Wool  (1990)

Also Known As: Tanzen mit Wollen, Yarn Dance, Whatever Wool Be Will Be, Goodness Gracious Great Balls of Wool

Genre: Drama

Starring: Kevin Costner

Plot:
Kevin Costner becomes attracted by the simplicity of a rural lifestyle, and leaves his former life behind to live in a community of knitters, farmers and jam makers.

Quotes:
Jenny: "What shall we do today?"

John: "I'm in the mood for dancing!"

Most Helpful User Review:
People who say this movie is long and boring have obviously never sat through "The Godfather". Thank God that not every filmmaker believes that a car must explode every 10 seconds in order for his movie to be a success. And boy, can Kevin Costner dance!

BIFTA Winner: Outstanding Contribution to the Knitting Community (1991)

Directed by: Kevin Costner. US/UK. Colour.

Full Metal Pan Set  (1990)

Also Known As: Housewives' Choice, Hobson's Choice, Can't Cook Won't Cook

Genre: Drama

Starring: Julie Walters and Russell Hobbs

Plot:
Set in the 1950s, this tense kitchen sink drama tells the story of a housewife pushed to breaking point by her domineering ex-soldier husband.

Quotes:
Derek: "What do you mean, my tea isn't ready?!"

Most Helpful User Review:
SPOILER: I saw this at the cinema, and the whole crowd cheered at the 'frying pan across the head' scene.

BIFTA Winner: Best Performance of a Non-Stick on an Induction Hob (1991)

Directed by: Stanley Kubrick. UK. Colour.

Stringfellas  (1990)

Also Known As: Goodfellows, Stringfellows, Nightclubbin', Das Klub Der Nacht

Genre: Drama

Starring: Peter Stringfellow, Ray Liotta, Joe Pesci

Plot:
Based on the true story of a nightclub owner and his rise to infamy via sex, drugs and shit pop music.

Quotes:
Peter: "As far back as I can remember, I always wanted to be a gang-banger."

Most Helpful User Review:
Class.

BIFTA Winner: Best Supporting Actor in an Tensely Unnerving Scene (1991)

Directed by: Martin Scorsese. UK/US. Colour.

Terminus 2: Bank Holiday  (1990)

Also Known As: Terminus Man 2, Terminal Journey 2, Terminal Cheesecake 2, Holiday on the Buses

Genre: Sci-Fi/Thriller

Starring: Arnold Schwarzenegger and Stephen Lewis

Plot:
Arnie's back and this time fighting against the new T1000 model cyborg ticket inspector, sent back from the future to eliminate the bus services on a bank holiday.

Quotes:
T1000: "I need your clothes, your boots and your ticket machine."

Most Helpful User Review:
The special effects still look good today; the scene where the inspector morphs into a bus stop won the film's special effects team a BIFTA.

BIFTA Winner: Best Lead Morph Scene of a Ticket Inspector (1991)

Directed by: Little John. US. Colour.

Tesco Chainsaw Massacre  (1990)

Also Known As: Supermarket Sweep, Checkout Chop-up, Have You Got a Clubcard?, He Knows You've Got More than 5 Items Or Less

Genre: Horror

Starring: Dale Winton

Plot:
The checkout girls and boys at the local Tesco go nutzoid after the UHT milk turns radioactive and leaks.

Quotes:
Voice on tannoy: "And for those of you planning a party, we've got an offer on toilet rolls at the moment..."

Most Helpful User Review:
It's "five items or fewer"!

BIFTA Nomination: Best Confusion of an Actor in a Supporting Role (1991)

Directed by: Tobe Hooper. UK/US. Colour.

Top Side Story  (1990)

Also Known As: Butcher's Best, Cuts of Beef, Cutting It, Cow Pie, Magpie Pie, For Mince in My Life

Genre: Musical/Drama

Starring: Trevor Cleaver and Vince Mince

Plot:
A butcher's tale adapted from the hit stage musical. An all singing and dancing drama of the rivalry between a local independent butcher and Tesco's meat counter.

Quotes:
Fred: "Aye Ashley, that Mrs Jenkins is as tight as the skin on a Cumberland Ring."

Most Popular Song: "I Wanna Hold Your Ham"
Music and Lyrics: Andrew Lloyd Webber and Boyd Rice

Most Helpful User Review:
My dad was an extra in this. He said he was almost sick on set from the overpowering whiff of slightly off mince.

BIFTA Nomination: Best Side of Beef (1991)

Directed by: Stevie Wonder. UK. Colour.

Honey, I Cooked The Chips  (1989)

Also Known As: Something About The Way I Cooked Tonight

Genre: Children's

Starring: Rick Moranis

Plot:
Father of two finds himself having to do all the cooking when his wife refuses to do it anymore. He is most pleased with himself when he manages to use the chip pan without burning the house down.

Quotes:
Wayne: "Honey, I cooked the chips!"
Marcia: "Well done, masterchef."

Most Helpful User Review:
Timeless classic. Great adventure movie that never gets old.

BIFTA Nomination: Best Chippy in Town (1990)

Directed by: Norman Chewits. US. Colour.

The Silence of the Mams  (1989)

Also Known As: Some Mother's Do 'Ave 'Em, It Ain't Half Hot Mum

Genre: Thriller

Starring: Sally James and Anton Rogers

Plot:
The local high school's Parent and Teacher Association is thrown into chaos when the teachers try to silence the nagging parents by gluing their mouths shut.

Quotes:
Mr Lecturer: "Our school dinners are served with a nice hot chocolate and baked beans. Shlurrrp."

Most Helpful User Review:
Watched this with me mam, she shit herself! LOL.

BIFTA Winner: Best OFSTED Inspection for Ages (1990)

Directed by: Tidy Box. UK. Colour.

Don't Go into the Woods or You'll Trip Over and Die  (1988)

Also Known As: Twigs, My Baby Don't Care for Trees, Forest Stump

Genre: Horror

Starring: Minnie Skirtt and Polly Gonne

Plot:
Five young people venture into the backwoods of Oregon, and find themselves at the mercy of Mother Nature.

Quotes:
Bobbie: "It's the trees, Sheriff, the trees I tell you! They strangled Sally May and took her tights! Is that so hard to believe?"

Most Helpful User Review:
Creepy and disturbing. Check it out as soon as possible!

BIFTA Winner: Best Stocking Fillers (1989)

Directed by: Hugh Janus. US/UK. Colour.

Hard as Bombs  (1988)

Also Known As: Boom Town, Boom Bang-a-Bang, Hangin' Tough, Tough Enough, Enough is Enough, So Macho

Genre: Action

Starring: Steven Segal and James Woods

Plot:
An elite bomb squad dash about Manhattan in pursuit of a mad terrorist, who plants his explosive devices in old ladies' handbags.

Quotes:
Newscaster on TV: "After Ada Mirkin detonated, it took the surgeons 18 hours to dislodge the plastic hip from her sister's armpit."

Most Helpful User Review:
One of the best 80s "bromance" movies. To be frank, it couldn't be more homoerotic if it tried. My friend Gordon loved it.

BIFTA Winner: Best Destruction of a Lead Geriatric (1989)

Directed by: Sem Tex. US. Colour.

The Evil Shed  (1987)

Also Known As: Don't Go in the Garden, The Lawnmower Man, Lawn of the Dead, Ground Force

Genre: Horror

Starring: John Noakes

Plot:
Disturbing, claustrophobic tale of a man trapped in his garden shed. The light bulb has blown and he can't find his way past the dangerous equipment.

Comprises violent scenes with shears, a chainsaw, a lawnmower and a hoe. Will he make it out alive?

Quotes:
Bert: "I knew I should've tidied this lot up sooner."

Most Helpful User Review:
The suspense is numbing.

BIFTA Nomination: Best Slow Death (1988)

Directed by: Spiro Graph. UK. Colour.

9 1/2 Leeks  (1986)

Also Known As: Le Leek, Leek Chic, Once a Leek, 28 Leeks Later, Eight Days of Leeks

Genre: Drama

Starring: Kim Basinger and Mickey Rourke

Plot:
Kim Basinger initially panics when she discovers that her weekly veg box only contains leeks. After successfully making soup, she acquires a taste for them so strong that she wants to put them in everything.

Quotes:
Elizabeth: "Hmm, what can I do with these?"

John: "Oh Jeez, let's go out."

Most Helpful User Review:
The 80s were such a WILD time, I had so much fun with this.

BIFTA Nomination: Best Seasoning (1987)

Directed by: Adrian Lyne. US. Colour.

Ferris Bueller's Fucked Off  (1986)

Also Known As: Ferris Bueller Fucks Off, Ferris Bueller's Big Fuck Off

Genre: Comedy

Starring: Matthew Broderick

Plot:
A high school slacker pretends to be ill and skips school for the day.

Quotes:
Ferris: "Moh-om, I don't feel well..."

Most Helpful User Review:
That the film doesn't live up to our anticipation of a rolicking good time is only part of its disappointment.

BIFTA Winner: Best Way to Spend a Day (1987)

Directed by: Scott Free. US. Colour.

He Knows You've Got Ferrero Rocher  (1986)

Also Known As: Chocs of Death, Fondant of Fear, The Narcotic Nuts of Nestle

Genre: Horror

Starring: Donald Sinden, Judi Dench and Johnny Briggs

Plot:
The Ambassador is really spoiling his party guests with his new chocolates, but there's something sinister in those sweets...

Quotes:
The Ambassador's Wife: "Shit - I forgot to buy sausage rolls."

Most Helpful User Review:
Nom nom nom.

BIFTA Nomination: Best Inventive Murder (1987)

Directed by: Epsom Salts. UK/US. Colour.

Ten Little Gay Boys  (1986)

Also Known As: Agatha Christie's Ten Little Gay Boys, Babes In Boyland, For Gay Guys Only, And Then They Were Gone

Genre: Thriller/Mystery/LGBT

Starring: Daniel Day Lewis

Plot:
Ten young men are invited to stay at the secluded mansion of Sir William Woolworth, who appears only as a voice on an intercom. After dinner, Sir William makes suggestive comments regarding his guests' private lives.

Quotes:
Gerald: "That's very flattering but I'd rather play Scrabble."

Most Helpful User Review:
A gripping tale of homophobia, suspicion and finger-pointing, released at a time when being out of the closet meant having society think you were passing on AIDS with a handshake. This is an adaptation of Agatha Christie's politically incorrectly titled novel "Ten Little Poofters".

BIFTA Winner: Best Not I've Got Work Tomorrow (1987)

Directed by: Barry Michaelmore. UK. Colour.

Top Bun  (1986)

Also Known As: Top of the Baps, Top Oven Bottom, The Bun Ain't Gonna Rise Any More, Yeast Is Yeast, Feel the Knead

Genre: Action/Drama/Romance

Starring: Tom Cruise and Kelly McGillis

Plot:
As students at an elite catering school compete to be best in the class, one daring young baker learns a few things from his instructor that are not taught in the classroom.

Trivia: One-hit-wonder Berlin scored a number one with the theme tune, "Take My Bread Away".

Quotes:
Maverick: "I forgot to add the yeast!"
Iceman: "Numbnuts."

Most Helpful User Review:
Top feel-good movie stuffed full of cheese and high-fives.

BIFTA Winner: Best Showstopper (1987)

Directed by: Stud Muffin. US. Colour.

The Slimfast Club  (1985)

Also Known As: Fat Friends, Fat Club, Gimme a Break, Mange Tout

Genre: Drama

Starring: Lou Diamond Phillips and Molly Ringworm

Plot:
80s teen movie following a group of overweight class misfits who bond at the school Slimmers Club, and finally become accepted when they each lose two stone.

Trivia: Simple Minds scored their biggest hit in the US with the theme tune "Don't You (Forget About Meat)".

Quotes:
Billy: "Christ, I'm starvin'!"

Most Helpful User Review:
To say that the outcome is predictable is an understatement.

BIFTA Nomination: Best Not Eat The Whole Packet (1986)

Directed by: Jim Jamms. US. Colour.

Ice Scream  (1984)

Also Known As: Skate or Die, Winter Nympholympics, Ice Ice Baby, Vanilla Ice Must Die

Genre: Horror

Starring: Dick Van Winkle, Barbara Bolero and Ron Pickering (as himself)

Plot:
Terror at the local ice rink as a pink booted serial killer stalks the Winter Olympics Ice Skating team.

Trivia: As well as winning a BIFTA, this film won Gold at the 1984 Olympics.

Quotes:
Ron Pickering: "A fabulous double axel, straight into the triple salchow...."

Most Helpful User Review:
The twist at the end is totally predictable.

BIFTA Winner: Best Lifting of a Lead Actress by an Actor in a Supporting Role (1985)

Directed by: Robin Cousins. UK/USSR. Colour.

The Terminus  (1984)

Also Known As: Terminus Man, Terminal Journey, Terminal Cheesecake, On the Buses

Genre: Sci-Fi/Thriller

Starring: Arnold Schwarzenegger and Reg Varney

Plot:
A humble bus driver is sent from 2029 to 1984 to stop an unstoppable murderous cyborg, sent from the same year, which has been programmed to disrupt the space-timetable continuum.

Quotes:
Cyborg: "I'll be back in half an hour."

Most Helpful User Review:
This is Schwarzenegger's best movie and my personal favourite action film. I love this film to death it is my childhood film I grew up with it.

BIFTA Winner: Best Buddies (1985)

Directed by: Big John. US. Colour.

The Things  (1984)

Also Known As: The Things from Another Decade, Some Stuff

Genre: Sci-Fi/Horror

Starring: Kurt Russell, Peter Duncan and Simon Groom

Plot:
A team of scientists at the North Pole unearth some things that have been buried deep underground for many years. Items include: a Blue Peter Annual, some Spangles and an old copy of the Radio Times.

Quotes:
Simon: "Aw! They're all soggy!"

Most Helpful User Review:
A Lovecraftian-inspired classic.

BIFTA Winner: Best Disappointment of a Lead Actor (1985)

Directed by: Ed DeBall. UK/US. Colour.

When Harry Met Sooty  (1984)

Also Known As: The Sooty Show, 24 Hour Puppet Party

Genre: Romantic Comedy

Starring: Harry Corbett, Sooty, Sweep and Soo

Plot:
Mixture of stock footage and reconstruction, this tells the true story of when Harry Corbett met the love of his life.

Quotes:
Sooty: "__________"

Most Helpful User Review:
SPOILER: The ending where Sooty runs off with Harry's son, Matthew, made me cry like a baby. You'll need a whole box of man-size tissues to get through this one.

BIFTA Winner: Best Fake Orgasm Scene (1985)

Directed by: Matthew Corbett. UK. Colour / Black & White.

Children of the Quorn  (1983)

Also Known As: Children of the Vegan Moon, Not Bacon, Not Poodle, The Krankies

Genre: Horror

Starring: St Winifred's School Choir

Plot:
Carnivores in the sleepy Nevada town of Tinyville are killed off one by one by a group of animal-loving vegetarian children and their gang leader, Malarky.

Quotes:
Suzy: "He who walks behind the shops."

Most Helpful User Review:
Brutal. And damn scary, too, if you're watching it while eating a meat-feast pizza and babysitting your sister's awful kids.

BIFTA Winner: Best Adaptation of a Stephen King Novel (1984)

Directed by: Duane Orpington. US. Colour.

Columbo: Death by Twister  (1983)

Also Known As: Strangled by Stealth, Murdered by Mauling, Twisted Sister, It's Ideal

Genre: Mystery

Starring: Peter Falk, Charlie Horse and Polly Styrene

Plot:
Detective Inspector Columbo investigates the death of a woman, who mysteriously died while playing Twister.

Was it an accident? Or did one of the players bump off his wife by suffocating her, whilst in a tangle of limbs on the spotty plastic sheet?

Quotes:
Steve: "Oh shake it up baby now, shake it up baby, twist and shout."

Most Helpful User Review:
We know it is murder. Columbo knows it is murder. Ah, you get the picture.

BIFTA Winner: Best By Far (1984)

Directed by: M.B. Games. US. Colour.

Fiddler on the Dole  (1983)

Also Known As: Fraudster on the Dole, Dole Dosser, Dole Scum: The Musical

Genre: Musical/Drama

Starring: Bernard Hill and Lulu

Plot:
An unemployed man finds himself accused of working whilst claiming Job Seekers' Allowance.

Quotes:
Jimmy: "Bastards! I was only shifting me mam's old fridge."

Most Popular Song: "If I Woz a Rich Man"
Music and Lyrics: Kajagoogoo

Most Helpful User Review:
Those sanctimonious wankers down the dole office are just like that.

BIFTA Winner: Best Shouting and Screaming in Public (1984)

Directed by: Mike Leigh. UK. Colour.

Invasion of the Bodywarmers  (1983)

Also Known As: Look Ma No Sleeves! What Not to Wear, That's Life!

Genre: Sci-Fi/Horror

Starring: Trendy Wendy and Pat Cabs

Plot:
The year is 1982. Children, teenagers and adults alike, are all being brainwashed into wearing the latest fashion horror: the bodywarmer.

Swiftly followed by legwarmers, peddle pushers, ra-ra skirts, leather ties and pixie boots, it's not long before the entire nation looks fucking ridiculous.

Quotes:
Mandy: "Where'd ya get them moon-boots from, Trace?"

Most Helpful User Review:
Russell T Davies considers this film an influence for "Torchwood".

BIFTA Winner: Best Performance of a Hairspray in a Supporting Role (1984)

Directed by: Jean Paul Gallstones. UK. Colour.

The Bastards in Blue  (1982)

Also Known As: Cops and Robbers, Truncheon Luncheon, Cop Shop

Genre: Action/Comedy

Starring: Tommy Cannon, Bobby Ball and Suzanne Danielle

Plot:
The only feature-length excursion into celluloid by Cannon and Ball. They play bumbling policemen trying to catch incoming drug smugglers with a 30ft fishing net.

Quotes:
Bobby: "Rock on Tommy!"

Most Helpful User Review:
Rubbish. Only worth a watch because Suzanne Danielle gets her top off.

BIFTA Winner: Best Use of a Truncheon by a Supporting Actress (1983)

Directed by: John O'Groats. UK. Colour.

Santa Claws: The Movie  (1982)

Also Known As: Satan Claus, Satan Claws, Midnight Massacre, I Wish It Could Be Christmas Anyway

Genre: Horror

Starring: Timmy Spoilt-Schitt and Grandpa Flump

Plot:
Santa's grotto at Twattford's Shopping Centre is unlike any other.

Santa makes promises he just cannot keep, and when little Johnny Town-House is told he can have the pet spider monkey he's always wanted, he becomes suspicious. Pulling at Santa's beard and kicking his shins is enough to cause the Father of Christmas to transform into a manic, drooling hairy beast.

Quotes:
Santa: "Sit still, you little shit."

Most Helpful User Review:
What he does to the Salvation Army collectors is in particularly bad taste. Bags of festive fun.

BIFTA Nomination: Best Prezzies (1983)

Directed by: Bill Whup. UK. Colour.

Ten+One's Eleven  (1982)

Also Known As: Two Divided By Zero, Maths Counts, Maths Topics, Sums It Up, Think of a Number

Genre: Action/Thriller

Starring: Fred Harris, Johnny Ball, Derek Griffiths & Carol Chell

Plot:
Vague remake of the Rat Pack classic. A gang of Maths teachers from a poorly funded secondary school plot to rob stationery from WHSmiths. Gripping from start to finish.

Quotes:
Mr Mumps: "And don't forget the set squares!"

Most Helpful User Review:
It is safe to say that was THE coolest film of the year. From the phenomenal script and direction from Steven Sodastream to the impeccable easy going performances of the 'stars' - yes every single one of them!

BIFTA Winner: The Helix Award for Best Pencil Case (1983)

Directed by: Steven Sodastream. UK. Colour.

There's Someone Behind You  (1982)

Also Known As: There's Someone Following You, There's Someone Hiding Up that Dark Alley, Chase Me, He's Behind You!

Genre: Horror/Thriller

Starring: Linda Hamilton

Plot:
Made for TV movie starring a pre-Terminator Linda Hamilton being stalked by an unknown man.

Quotes:
Sandra: "Second class return to Nottingham, please."

Most Helpful User Review:
Usual fare. Stalker killer on the rampage through the streets of London and the Tube. At night, obviously.

BIFTA Nomination: Best Underground Film (1983)

Directed by: Shaggy Loaf. UK/US. Colour.

Bloody Awful  (1981)

Also Known As: Back for Blood, Bloody Nora, Mind Your Language, Foreign Muck, Muck for Luck

Genre: Horror

Starring: Pedro Santini, Adrienne D'Angelo and Keith Baron

Plot:
Panic and hysteria hit the Spanish resort of Costa del Sol when a language school starts losing its pupils in a series of bizarre killings.

Quotes:
Bernard: "Good God, Julie's been murdered! Call the police!"
Señora Perez: "En español por favor!"

Most Helpful User Review:
That was the worst film I've ever seen. In. My. Life. Can't wait to watch it again.

BIFTA Winner: Best Film with English as a Second Language (1982)

Directed by: Des Pickable. Spain. Colour.

Dead Good  (1981)

Also Known As: Dead Folk, Dead Bodies, Play Dead, Death on Two Legs, There's Some Dead People in My House, I See Dead People

Genre: Horror

Starring: Sally Seddon and a then unknown Steve Guttenberg

Plot:
Newly-weds discover bodies in their house, only to find the perpetrator is asleep in the cellar. When the police arrive the killer is gone and doubting fingers are pointed to the husband, who is promptly arrested. No-one believes the absurd story of the killer in the cellar so the wife is left to live in the house in fear of the real murderer's return.

Quotes:
Sally: "I want to leave this house! I want to leave now! Now! Let's go! Let's go now! - Oh, wait, I've left the oven on."

Most Helpful User Review:
Cheap video nasty. This movie is so edge-of-your-seat gripping that your bum cheeks will hurt.

BIFTA Nomination: Best Uncontrollable Sobbing (1982)

Directed by: Chorlton Cum-Hardy. US. Colour.

The Great Muppet Murder  (1981)

Also Known As: Puppet Death, Who Had a Hand in it?, Ragtime

Genre: Children's/Musical

Starring: Charles Grodin, Frank Oz and Moira Stewart

Plot:
Muppet whodunit. Kermit, Fozzie, and the gang, investigate the suspicious death of Sesame Street's kindly old storeowner, Mr Loopa.

You are given a break 10 minutes before the end to make up your mind between the suspects: the Count, Scooter, Miss Piggy, Grover, Mr Snuffleuppagus and Janice.

Quotes:
The Count: "ONE! Ah-ah-ah... TWO! Ah-ah-ah..."

Most Popular Song: "Miss Piggy I Love You"
Music and Lyrics: Ultravox

Most Helpful User Review:
Just who put arsenic in the jellybeans? Just who put bleach in the twinkies? Just what the fucking hell are twinkies?

BIFTA Winner: Best Film I've Seen in Ages (1982)

Directed by: Jim Henson. US. Colour.

He Knows You're Eating Cake  (1981)

Also Known As: He Knows You Know

Genre: Horror

Starring: Patricia Hodge and Miriam Margoles

Plot:
A mysterious young man watches as women leave their Slimming World classes and follows them home.

He spies on them through the window, and upon seeing them cheating on their diet he kills them with kitchen appliances.

Quotes:
Sandra : "Red days, green days.. Tell you what, Julie, this diet's fucking confusing."

Most Helpful User Review:
Dreadful.

BIFTA Winner: Best Not Cheat This Week (1982)

Directed by: Melody Maker. US. Colour.

You've Gone Male  (1981)

Also Known As: Female to Male, Sporting Chance, Transformers: Women in Disguise

Genre: Drama

Starring: Patrick Allen and Julia Foster

Plot:
Poignant story about a woman who dresses up as a man so she can be taken seriously and get a job as a sports correspondent for a newspaper.

Quotes:
Editor: "Sorry love, women just don't get jobs on the sports pages. Now, take a letter."

Most Helpful User Review:
SPOILER ALERT:
Loved the big reveal finale where she finally gets the sports job as a woman. Not so keen on the twist where she didn't get the same fucking salary...

BIFTA Nomination: Best Supporting Fake Moustache and Glasses (1982)

Directed by: Clint Eastwood. US/UK. Colour.

Zombie Creche Eaters  (1981)

Also Known As: In the Nursery, Return of the Baby Eating Bishop of Bath and Wells, Whose Baby?, Please Don't Eat My Daughter

Genre: Horror

Starring: Floella Benjamin, Bernie Winters and Schnorbitz

Plot:
The staff at the Pipkins Nursery fight to keep out the walking dead, when apprentice Susan returns from lunch bearing news that zombies are taking over the streets.

Quotes:
Sandra: "Get away from her, you bitch!"

Most Helpful User Review:
The final showdown was described by AARRRGH! Magazine as "arousing."

BIFTA Winner: Best Childcare (1982)

Directed by: Harry Bottom. UK. Colour.

Close Encounters of the Turd Kind  (1980)

Also Known As: The Wonder of Poo, Ever Decreasing Mental Health, What the Fuck Are You Doing?!

Genre: Sci-Fi

Starring: Richard Briers and Felicity Kendall

Plot:
Richard Briers stars in this early Steven Spielberg effort.

Following a visit to a public toilet in Margate, Briers is plagued by the compulsion make sculptures in the shape of stools, alienating his wife and children in the process.

Won the 1981 Turner Prize.

Quotes:
Barbara: "You dirty bastard!"

Most Helpful User Review:
Dear God, what did I just watch? I can't unsee that, I'm afraid. Couldn't bring myself to turn it off either, though...

BIFTA Nomination: Best Clean That Up When You've Finished (1981)

Directed by: Steven Spielberg. UK/US. Colour.

Comedy of Terrors  (1980)

Also Known As: Die Laughing, Bust a Gut, What a Carry On

Genre: Horror

Starring: Oliver Reed and Phoebe Jeebie

Plot:
A dentist suffers a mental breakdown and gets his patients giddy with laughing gas before promptly uses his drill on their eyes.

Quotes:
Dr Moomin: "Now don't worry, you won't feel a thing...."

Most Helpful User Review:
Gruesome.

BIFTA Winner: Best Sick-Maker (1981)

Directed by: Joe Porn. UK. Colour.

Don't Go to a Car Park at Night and Drop Your Car Keys Down a Grid  (1980)

Also Known As: Don't Go to Night School, Stranger Danger, Girlschool, Playschool

Genre: Horror

Starring: Susan Penhaligon

Plot:
A checkout-girl goes to night school and loses her car keys after fumbling around with them trying to open her car door. She looks around but everyone else has gone... or have they?

Quotes:
Fiona: "I'd like to enrol on the Beginner's Deckchair Folding course, please."

Most Helpful User Review:
The plot is like that of a British Public Information Film from the 70s, which - when stretched over 87 mins - wears a bit thin.

BIFTA Nomination: Best Stalking of a Lead Actress (1981)

Directed by: Randy Pigeon. US/UK. Colour.

Don't Open the Patio  (1980)

Also Known As: Don't Forget to Lock Your Windows, Helen Hides in the House, Knock Knock

Genre: Horror

Starring: Sandy Fandango

Plot:
A teenage girl, home alone at night, spends an hour and 26 minutes running around her parents' house with the lights off, calling out, "Hello?"

Suspense builds to a climax when a shadowy figure appears at the window.

Quotes:
Helen: "Hello?"
Helen: "Is there anyone there?"
Helen: "Hello?"

Most Helpful User Review:
I first saw this film when I was 10 years old; it scared me so much that I dived behind the sofa, farted really loudly, and my whole family took the piss for weeks. Traumatised for life.

BIFTA Nomination: Best Lighting and Shadows (1981)

Directed by: Red Lester. US. Colour.

Five to Nine  (1980)

Also Known As: 5 to 9, A Hard Day at the Office, The Office, Sexist Pig

Genre: Comedy

Starring: Molly Sugden, Barbara Windsor, Wendy Richard and Derek Jacobi

Plot:
Three female employees of a sexist, egotistical, lying, hypocritical, chauvinist bigot find a way to turn the tables on him at the office.

Quotes:
Judy: "Anyone got any Rizlas?"

Most Helpful User Review:
The drugged-up dream sequences get a bit stupid, but on the whole this is a cracking early 80s movie.

BIFTA Winner: Best Fantasies of a Lead Actress (1981)

Directed by: Bloomin Marvellous. UK. Colour.

Flash Boredom  (1980)

Also Known As: Flash A-haaa!

Genre: Sci-Fi/Fantasy

Starring: Sam J. Jones and Wendy Craig

Plot:
A housewife who is becoming increasingly bored stiff with housework, finds a new love for life when a superhero from the future suddenly appears in her pantry... and she discovers that Mr Muscle loves the jobs she hates.

Quotes:
June: "Oh, I love you! But we've only got 14 minutes to clean the house!"

Most Popular Song: "I Want to Break Free"
Music and Lyrics: Queen

Most Helpful User Review:
What a wife-saver he is! Wish Mr Muscle would show up at my house and do the jobs I hate. Like sleeping with my husband.

BIFTA Winner: Best Stain Remover (Blood, Sweat, Gravy and Egg) (1981)

Directed by: Mike Hodges. UK/US. Colour.

Invasion of the Maggie Thatchers  (1980)

Also Known As: Attack of the Tory Clones, The Never Ending Tories

Genre: Horror/Sci-Fi

Starring: Donald Sutherland, Leonard Nimoy and Janet Brown

Plot:
The year is 1979. Scary chaos is in store when the Tories take over the minds and bodies of Britons to make them vote Conservative and the whole country lands up in a big heap o' shit.

Quotes:
Man in Chinese restaurant: "I tell you, that not my wife!"

Most Helpful User Review:
A half-formed dog with a Thatcher head is a highlight, but the scariest image is of hundreds of Margaret Thatcher clones screaming and pointing in the House of Commons.

BIFTA Winner: Best Landslide Victory (1981)

Directed by: Norman Titbit. UK. Colour.

One of Our Dinosaurs Is Shitting  (1980)

Also Known As: Dinobobs, It's Alive, Jurassic Crap, It Can Shit Miracles, Dippy's Potty Time

Genre: Children's

Starring: Peter Ustinov, Helen Heyes and Michael Bentine

Plot:
Museum staff are astonished when they arrive one morning to find that the skeleton of a diplodocus has produced droppings. Realising that this miracle is enough to save the museum from closure, they quickly sell the story to The Sun.

Quotes:
Mark: "My daddy does poos that big..."

Most Helpful User Review:
A firm family favourite in our house.

BIFTA Winner: Best Fertilizer (1981)

Directed by: Bob Scooper. US/UK. Colour.

Piranharama  (1980)

Also Known As: Look Out - Fish!

Genre: Horror/Disaster

Starring: Rodney Bennett and Stella Artwah

Plot:
Scientists experimenting with pirahna fish and genetics make the mistake of letting some go in the local pond.

Quotes:
Steve: "Listen!... Do you hear that?... Sounds like there's something deadly in the water..."

Most Helpful User Review:
With a rather threadbare plot and buckets of blood, this was right up my street.

BIFTA Nomination: Best Gnashers (1981)

Directed by: Ellis Island. US. Colour.

Strictly Balding  (1980)

Also Known As: Strictly Alopecia, The Hair Less Bunch, Wiggy, Kojak the Musical

Genre: Musical/Drama

Starring: Telly Savalas, Duncan Goodhew and Errol Brown

Plot:
Remember years ago when there were only 3 completely bald people in the world? Now they are everywhere.

Quotes:
Brian: "Shave it off?! Are you mad?!"

Most Popular Song: "Puttin' On My Toupee"
Music and Lyrics: Hot Chocolate

Most Helpful User Review:
This musical was made back in those halcyon days when we laughed at baldies. I really miss the comb-over.

BIFTA Winner: Best Not Laugh It's Not Funny (1981)

Directed by: Burt Reynolds. UK. Colour.

A Bag o' Chips Now  (1979)

Also Known As: Apocalypse Chips, Chippy Tea, No - We Had That Yesterday, Aw Mum!

Genre: War/Drama

Starring: Julie Walters

Plot:
A mother finds herself at war with the rest of her family over deciding what's for tea.

Quotes:
Kids in unison: "We want chips! We want chips!"
Mum: "Go on then, fetch me purse. You can get me a scallop."

Most Helpful User Review:
I couldn't watch this as I'm on a diet.

BIFTA Winner: Best Go Now Before It Shuts (1980)

Directed by: Francis Ford Cortina. UK. Colour.

Bugsy Alone  (1979)

Also Known As: Home Alone, Bugsy Balony

Genre: Family/Musical

Starring: Charles and Eddie

Plot:
This classic cross-genre children's musical comedy is best-known as being written, produced, acted and directed completely by chimps.

Set in 1920s prohibition-era America, our protagonist, Bugsy, is abandoned by his gang after he mates with the alpha-male's favourite female.

Subtitles.

Quotes:
Bugsy: "Oo, oo, oo, ah, ah, ah!"

Most Popular Song: "Fat Pam's Grand Scam"
Music and Lyrics: Boz Scaggs

Most Helpful User Review:
Contains the iconic food fight at the Monkey Business Speakeasy.

BIFTA Winner: Best Film Not in the English Language (1980)

Directed by: Clyde. US. Colour.

Cannibal Disco  (1979)

Also Known As: Last Night a DJ Ate My Wife, Ghoul and the Gang, Stayin' Alive, Slaying the Live

Genre: Horror

Starring: Alan Freeman, Dave Lee Travis and Tina Charles

Plot:
Death on the dancefloor as the unwitting punters at The Fresh Meat Discotheque discover they are the nibbles.

Quotes:
DJ Sloppy: "Before we eat you all, we must perform the sacrificial ceremony. Leroy, Begin the Beguine!"

Most Helpful User Review:
Love the groovy soundtrack by the Bud Gees.

BIFTA Winner: Best Original Soundtrack (1980)

Directed by: Bobby Crush. UK. Colour.

The Chomp  (1979)

Also Known As: Fight for Chomp, The Last Chocolate Bar, Chomper Stomper

Genre: Drama

Starring: Jon Voight, Faye Dunaway and introducing Ricky Schroeder

Plot:
Weepie about a boy and his love for chocolate. Jon Voight stars as a father who must fight for the last chocolate bar in town.

Quotes:
TJ: "Wake up daddy, breakfast's ready!"

Most Helpful User Review:
Faye Dunaway is at her bitchy best as the absent mother scheming to come between father and son.

BIFTA Winner: Best Film About Chocolate and Boxing (1980)

Directed by: Beppe DeMarco. US. Colour.

Columbo: Death by Sweetcorn  (1979)

Also Known As: Corn on the Cob, Cob on, Choke on the Cob

Genre: Mystery

Starring: Peter Falk and Mercedes Benz

Plot:
Detective Inspector Columbo investigates the death of a woman who chokes eating sweetcorn.

Were the nibbles a little too large? Or did her failed novelist husband poison the food?

Quotes:
Columbo: "I suppose you expect me to believe that the jolly green giant did it?"

Most Helpful User Review:
We know it is murder. Columbo knows it is murder. You know it is murder.

BIFTA Winner: Best Corncobs in a Supporting Role (1980)

Directed by: Morton Pitts. US. Colour.

Don't Look in the Loft  (1979)

Also Known As: Don't Go in the Attic, Don't Get the Ladders Out, Don't Stop 'Til You Get Enough

Genre: Horror

Starring: Rip Torn

Plot:
Madman lives in the joint attics of a row of rented terraced houses, and moves around the loft space spying in the rooms via holes he's drilled. He swiftly gets bored with this and soon the killing starts.

Quotes:
Christine: "Trevor, did you let the cat out?"

Most Helpful User Review:
As a kid I would be mesmerised by the horror section in the video shop, and this is one I never got to see back in the day. Did not disappoint!

BIFTA Nomination: Best Lagging (1980)

Directed by: Dirk Bernard. US. Colour.

Herbie: The Love Cheat  (1979)

Also Known As: Herbie 3, Herbie & Christine

Genre: Children's

Starring: Minnie Metro and Tufty Squirrel

Plot:
Herbie the VW Beetle finds himself in hot water when his wife finds out about his bit-on-the-side.

Quotes:
Herbie: "Honey, I swear I'm not seeing anyone else!"

Most Helpful User Review:
I can really relate to this movie.

BIFTA Nomination: Best Motor Vehicle in a Lead Role (1980)

Directed by: Robin Reliant. US. Colour.

Columbo: Death by Exercise  (1978)

Also Known As: Spin to Win, Wheels of Misfortune, Peddle Pusher

Genre: Mystery

Starring: Peter Falk and Olivia Newton-John

Plot:
Detective Inspector Columbo investigates the death of a woman, who mysteriously dies while "spinning".

Was the woman driven to exhaustion by the gruelling non-stop peddling, disco lights and shit music? Or was the exercise bike seat dowsed in poison and taken in by osmosis?

Quotes:
Stephanie: "No pain baby, no gain."

Most Helpful User Review:
We know it is murder because we are shown at the start. Columbo knows it is murder but likes to taunt his suspect. And we like to watch.

BIFTA Winner: Best Fitness Instructor (1979)

Directed by: Christopher Biggins. US. Colour.

Herbie Goes to Pontypridd  (1978)

Also Known As: Herbie 2, Monkeypoo Too, Herbie Goes to Wales

Genre: Children's/Family

Starring: Derek Nimmo, Kathy Staff and Frazer Hynes

Plot:
Herbie, the Volkswagen Beetle with a mind of its own, is racing in the Pontypridd Rally. Unbeknownst to Herbie's driver, thieves have hidden a cache of stolen leeks in Herbie's boot, and are now trying to get them back.

Quotes:
Bert: "Are you crazy? We're supposed to be in a race and here you are, faffing about with some leeks?! Well, I didn't travel two hundred miles just to see people dressed up like Tom Jones! I'll tell you something, I've had it with the Welsh!"

Most Helpful User Review:
Was totally steaming drunk when I watched this; suffice to say, the kids and I really enjoyed it.

BIFTA Nomination: Best Put the Handbrake On (1979)

Directed by: Brent Trent. UK. Colour.

The House on the Left Past the Roundabout  (1978)

Also Known As: The Madman's House, Quella Villa Allacanti, The House that Bled All Night, The House that Jack Built

Genre: Horror

Starring: Lee Majors and Donald Pleasance

Plot:
A lunatic escapes from the nearby mental asylum, it's raining and he'd like to find somewhere to rest.

The nearest house is the one on the left past the roundabout - it's full of teenagers having a party but he just wants some peace and quiet. And he'll go to any lengths to shut the fuckers up.

Quotes:
Man in street: "The party? Oh, it's just there... on the left past the roundabout."

Most Helpful User Review:
An unsettling experience. It's not a film anyone can feel comfortable about recommending, surely?

BIFTA Winner: Best Directions (1979)

Directed by: Stick Thinn. US. Colour.

Ryvita  (1978)

Also Known As: Crispbreads, Crackerbreads, Crackerjack

Genre: Musical

Starring: Elaine Paige and Barbara Dickson

Plot:
This musical has gone down in time as the rags-to-riches classic. The story of how a lowly biscuit factory cleaner steals a unique recipe with the help of the factory cat, then to leaves the country to make crackers for the Japanese market.

Quotes:
Ange: "Look after yourself, sis!"
Tina: "We're gonna to miss you, you stupid cow."
Elaine: "Don't be soft."

Most Popular Song: "Don't Cry for Me Ange and Tina"
Music and Lyrics: Tim Rice and Genesis

Most Helpful User Review:
SPOILERS: Oh, that ending! It had me in tears! My wife took the piss, though.

BIFTA Winner: Best Vocals of a Lead Actress in a Lead Role (1979)

Directed by: Gordon Blimey. UK. Colour.

Stephen King's - The Easter Bunny  (1978)

Also Known As: Hares of Hell, Bad Bugs, No Eggs for Johnny

Genre: Horror

Starring: Melvyn Hayes and the Double Decker gang

Plot:
Based on a novel by Stephen King. Killer rabbits from outer space invade the small town of Pittsville.

Quotes:
Barbara: "That reminds me, I must buy some eggs."

Most Helpful User Review:
There are good Stephen King adaptations and bad ones. I think you can guess which type this is.

BIFTA Nomination: Best Practical Special Effects (1979)

Directed by: Humphrey Humphries. UK/US. Colour.

There's Someone in the Bushes  (1978)

Also Known As: Hideaway, Rustling Russell, The Bushing, Kate's Bush

Genre: Horror/Thriller

Starring: Lorraine Chase and Ian Ogilvy

Plot:
Crazy killer stalks women in parks and gardens.

Quotes:
Lindsey: "I think there's someone in the bushes."

Most Helpful User Review:
Remember that bit in Halloween when Jamie Lee Curtis is walking along the road, clutching her schoolbooks, and she's convinced someone's following her and hiding out of sight behind a bush? Well it's like that all the way through.

BIFTA Nomination: Best Supporting Topiary (1979)

Directed by: Duncan Doughnuts. UK. Colour.

Three Animals Go on a Long Journey Across America by Themselves  (1978)

Also Known As: A Tail of Three Animals, Disney's Roadkill, Walt Disney's Awwww! Ain't That Cute?

Genre: Children's

Starring: Beezer, Tigger and Reggie

Plot:
Disney's first foray into live-action film.

A dog, a cat and a guinea pig decide to leave their East Coast home town of Dullness Creek, and head for the hustle and bustle of West Coast Las Vegas.

Quotes:
Tigger: "And now it's time for sleep."
Reggie: "Well, shut the fuck up, then!"

Most Helpful User Review:
I couldn't think of anything to say about this one, so I hung around outside a local primary school to ask the children what they thought of it. Before being hauled away by police, I got the following comments:

"It sucked." - Jimmy Smartass, aged 9.
"Never seen it." - Joanna Skipping-Rope, aged 6.
"I thought the ending was nice." - Billy Nomates, aged 7.
"I need a poo." - Tilly Flood, aged 4.

BIFTA Winner: Best Foot Forward (1979)

Directed by: Queenio Coco. US. Colour.

The Beast Must Feast  (1977)

Also Known As: Beast Feast, Feast of Fury, Patch Woofs It Up, All You Can Eat for 5.99

Genre: Horror

Starring: Gareth Hunt and Demis Rousos

Plot:
Landowner Tiny Bucketts just happens to keep a 7ft hairy beast in his double garage. When he runs out of pigs and cows to feed to it, he starts feeding it local folk from the village.

Quotes:
The beast: "AARRRRRLLLLGGGNNNRRRHHH!"

Most Helpful User Review:
I don't know, I've not seen it, sorry.

BIFTA Winner: Best in Show (1978)

Directed by: Lardy Arse. UK. Colour.

The Disco Inferno  (1977)

Also Known As: Burn Baby Burn

Genre: Action/Disaster

Starring: Steve McQueen, Paul Newman and Pamela Motown

Plot:
Paul Newman plays the dodgy owner of the Fuzzyfelt Disco who thinks it would be just fine to stack chairs in front of the fire exit.

Steve McQueen is the DJ who rescues a squealing lady with only one shoe, a young boy, and a blind man from the barbecue.

Quotes:
Annie-May: "Can you smell gas?"

Most Helpful User Review:
Thrills, screams and frying skin, as a disco burns on down to that funky, funky sound. What could be better for a Sunday afternoon?

BIFTA Winner: Best Soundtrack (1978)

Directed by: Itchy Prolapse. US. Colour.

Herbie Goes Apeshit  (1977)

Also Known As: Herbie Goes Monkeypoo

Genre: Children's

Starring: Laurie Driver and Ken Wood-Chef

Plot:
Volkswagen Beetle with a mind of its own goes on the rampage throughout the streets of San Francisco.

Quotes:
Hank: "Herbie! Herbie you dipshit - slow down!"

Most Helpful User Review:
Quite gruesome for a children's film, with a total of 29 road traffic accidents.

BIFTA Nomination: Best Pile-Up (1978)

Directed by: Austin Allegro. US. Colour.

I Eat Your Eyes  (1977)

Also Known As: Eye Pockets, Eye Think Eye Like You, Whaddaya Wanna Make Those Eyes at Me For?

Genre: Horror

Starring: Marty Feldman

Plot:
The town of Dunsterville gets a new optician, Dr Stephen Acrobat, who checks out his patients' notes to see where they live, and then sneaks into their homes at night to remove their eyes with spoons and eat them like oysters.

Quotes:
Mrs Acrobat: "I think you're becoming a bit obsessed, Stephen."

Most Helpful User Review:
Vile but compelling.

BIFTA Winner: Best Make-Up Artist (1978)

Directed by: Rooley Moor. US. Colour.

The Spy Who Loved Meat  (1977)

Also Known As: The Spy Who Loved Sausage, Love Meat for a Reason, Boom Banger Bangers!

Genre: Action

Starring: Roger Moore and Barbara Bach

Plot:
James Bond investigates the hijacking of British and Russian lorries carrying fresh meat for export, with the help of a K.G.B. agent.

Quotes:
Q: "Right. Now pay attention, 007. I want you to take great care of this meat selection. There are one or two rather special cuts..."

Most Helpful User Review:
Terrific action throughout, complete with many many surprises, gadgets, do anything sports car, and some truly great-looking sausages. My mouth was watering the whole way through.

BIFTA Winner: Outstanding Sausage Award (1978)

Directed by: Paddy O'Doors. US. Colour.

The Curious Dr. Twatt  (1976)

Also Known As: Total Twatt, Curiosity Killed the Twatt, Twatt's My Boy!

Genre: Horror

Starring: Nigel Havers

Plot:
Madcap scientist capers. Dr. Morgan Twatt does experiments with dry ice and bubbling green liquid in test tubes. A Hammer Production.

Quotes:
Dr. Twatt: "You forget, Dr Rumbold, I am a Twatt - like my father before me!"

Most Helpful User Review:
A masterpiece - the perfect amount of horror, drama, romance and comedy in a single movie.

BIFTA Winner: Best Science Laboratory (1977)

Directed by: Bunsen Burner. UK. Colour.

Diamonds Are Expensive  (1976)

Also Known As: Diamonds Are Sparkly, Le Diamonique de Speciale

Genre: Action

Starring: Eric Morecambe & Ernie Wise

Plot:
The Bond franchise took a rather bizarre turn in casting Eric Morecambe as Her Majesty's Secret Agent.

A diamond smuggling investigation leads 007 to Blackpool, where he uncovers an extortion plot headed by his nemesis, Blojob (Ernie Wise).

Quotes:
Bond: "Look at the size of those rocks!"

Most Helpful User Review:
I love the scene where Bond makes the joke about the ice cream van. We watch this every Boxing Day.

BIFTA Winner: Best Christmas Special (1977)

Directed by: Boris Gumption. UK/US. Colour.

Dr Heckle and Mr Snide  (1976)

Also Known As: Wheeltappers and Shunters, We Will Mock You, That Bloke Isn't Funny Anymore

Genre: Horror

Starring: Mick Miller, Frank Carson and Jim Davidson

Plot:
Open mic night at the Buffoon Comedy Club is spoilt by two shady characters in the audience constantly heckling the performers. When comedians start turning up dead, the hunt is on for the mysterious twosome.

Quotes:
Heckler: "Heard it!"

Most Helpful User Review:
Some good laughs and inventive kills. Solid 70s entertainment.

BIFTA Nomination: Best Kipper Ties (1977)

Directed by: Terence Fisher. UK. Colour.

Night of the Pensioners  (1976)

Also Known As: Zombie Pensioners, Curse of the Pensioners, Coffin Dodgers, Grandma's Gonna Get You, Night of the Biddies, Gimme a Nan After Midnight

Genre: Horror

Starring: Thora Hird and Irene Handel

Plot:
A dodgy care-worker slips his homemade drug into mugs of bedtime Ovaltine, rendering the old folk undead. Soon, the town's streets are overrun by shuffling zombie OAPs who will eat anything that moves.

Quotes:
Jack: "To infirmity and beyond!"

Most Helpful User Review:
What the fuck did I just watch?

BIFTA Winner: Alzheimer's Society Outstanding Contribution Award (1977)

Directed by: Funky Gibbons. UK. Colour.

Night of the Nimble Nazis  (1975)

Also Known As: Nazi Camp Death Romp, Hitler's Babes, Orgia del III Reich, Sex Camp, SS Sex Camp, SS Single Bed, 'Allo 'Allo

Genre: Horror

Starring: Sylvia Kristal and Vicki Michelle

Plot:
Sadistic erotic video nasty set in 1940s Nazi Germany. Leather-clad female guards torture the POWs with whips.

Quotes:
Grundig: "Mein safe word ist 'Bratwurst'"

Most Helpful User Review:
An acquired taste.

BIFTA Nomination: Best German Accent by an Italian Actor (1976)

Directed by: Carlos Crikey. Italy. Colour.

The Towyn Inferno  (1974)

Also Known As: It's a Burning Burning Burning Burning Burning Burning Town, The Town that Burnt Down, Feurio!

Genre: Disaster

Starring: Steve McQueen, Paul Newman, Faye Dunaway, Terry Scott and June Whitfield

Plot:
An all-star cast of huge names appear in this joint UK/US production set in Wales. A massive fire breaks out at a caravan park in Towyn that threatens to destroy the whole town and everyone in it.

Quotes:
Sergeant O'Halloran: "I think it started in the toilet block."
Freddie: "Oh God! No! I left Mr Punch in there!!"

Most Helpful User Review:
A gripping disaster movie classic

BIFTA Winner: Best Explosions and That (1975)

Directed by: Irwin Allen. UK/US. Colour.

Maniac Dinnerlady  (1973)

Also Known As: Don't Tell Her it's Got Lumps in, Take Your Tray Back

Genre: Horror

Starring: Sheila Numpty, Beryl Reid and Pat Coombs

Plot:
School dinnerlady cooks up the children at the Fairley High Secondary School.

Quotes:
Miss Diane: "Doris, I don't think we have enough testicles, bring me Peter Bellows from 4C."

Most Helpful User Review:
Brilliant sequence with a stainless steel potato masher.

BIFTA Winner: Best Catering (1974)

Directed by: Golden Wonder. UK. Colour.

Arachnophilia  (1972)

Also Known As: Spider Love, Spiderman, Spiderbaby, Tarantula!, Webbed Feat, Charlotte's Web

Genre: Horror/Drama

Starring: David Cassidy

Plot:
The story of a lonely boy named David and his love of spiders. When teasing at school gets too much, David unleashes his pets on the class.

Quotes:
Mom [shouting upstairs]: "Don't forget to put the lid back on that tank when you've finished feeding them!"
David: "I won't!"

Most Helpful User Review:
Scared of spiders? If you are afraid, then force yourself to watch this incredible movie!

BIFTA Nomination: Best Animal Handling (1973)

Directed by: Tit Willow. US. Colour.

Boobs in the Wood  (1972)

Also Known As: Confessions of a Lumberjack, Boobywood

Genre: Comedy

Starring: Robin Askwith, Barbara Windsor, Bob Todd and Patrick Cargill

Plot:
1970s British farce. Robin Askwith chases a topless Barbara Windsor around the woods.

Quotes:
Betty: "I know another bush you might like to see..."

Most Helpful User Review:
Contains lame double entendres about poking with twigs and such. Dated.

BIFTA Nomination: Best Comedy Farting Noises (1973)

Directed by: Tommy Knockers. UK. Colour.

Cabernet  (1972)

Also Known As: Wine and Song, Swig It Down, Sing When You're Swigging, Food and Booze

Genre: Musical

Starring: Liza Minnelli, Keith Moon and George Best

Plot:
Booze aplenty in this top hat and fishnets musical, set on a wine tasting holiday in France.

Quotes:
Sally: "Pour me another..."

Most Popular Song: "This Bottle Isn't Big Enough for Both of Us"
Music and Lyrics: Sparks

Most Helpful User Review:
Best served with steak and a peppercorn sauce.

BIFTA Nomination: Best Piss-Up Artists (1973)

Directed by: Glenn Fiddick. US. Colour.

Carry On Dickhead  (1972)

Also Known As: Carry On Wanker, Carry On Keep That Up

Genre: Comedy

Starring: Sid James, Jim Dale, Barbara Windsor, Joan Sims and Windsor Davies

Plot:
Factory manager Windsor Davies gets his comeuppance when his machinists decide they've had quite enough of him acting like a tosser.

Quotes:
Mr Twatson: "You stupid arse! Can't you do anything?! Oh you're fucking priceless! What a moron! And what are you lot staring at? GET BACK TO WORK!!"

Most Helpful User Review:
Hilarious comedy gold. You'll need to be careful if you plan on having a few drinks while watching this one - any Blue Nun you've just thrown down your neck could easily end up sprayed out of every orifice. Yes, even that one.

BIFTA Winner: Best Special Effects for Sweeping with a Broom Handle Up the Bum Scene (1973)

Directed by: Peter Rogers. UK. Colour.

Caves of Death  (1972)

Also Known As: Caves of Doom, Horror Caves, Horror Caverns, Horror of the Caveman, Captain Caveman, Wookey Hole

Genre: Horror

Starring: Roy Kinear and a young Keith Chegwin

Plot:
A group of teenagers stumble upon an old cave by the woods. Daring each other to go in, they find more than just stalagmites.

Quotes:
Kevin: "Boobies!"

Most Helpful User Review:
There's mild amusement in the scene where the kids shout rude words and listen for the echoes.

BIFTA Winner: Best Shouting and Screaming by a Supporting Actor (1973)

Directed by: Crispin Dry. UK. Colour.

Murders at the Rude Morgue  (1972)

Also Known As: Confessions of a Serial Killer, Mort a la Morgue

Genre: Horror

Starring: Robin Askwith, Sally Thomsett, Nigel Havers and Nicholas Parsons

Plot:
Bawdy Horror romp. A group of seven at a secret seance orgy at the local morgue will need more than latex protection when they awaken the spirit of the Indian God of Sex and Death (Humpodef) who takes the human form of Nicholas Parsons.

Quotes:
Mark: "Hurry up before the vicar gets here."

Most Helpful User Review:
Terrifying.

BIFTA Nomination: Best Supporting Actor in a Supporting Role (1973)

Directed by: Minty Flapps. UK. Colour.

The Pontin's Adventure  (1972)

Also Known As: Hi-Di-Hi! Ho-Di-Ho!

Genre: Action/Disaster

Starring: Gene Hackman, Shelley Winters, Ernest Borgnine and Fred Dinage

Plot:
Gene Hackman plays a redcoat in this 70s disaster movie. A group of holidaymakers struggle to survive a week in a holiday camp.

Quotes:
Scott: "For God's sake, man, what you're doing is suicide!"

Most Helpful User Review:
SPOILER: The scene in the pool is a tense cinema classic. I cried buckets - Shelley Winters looks like me nan.

BIFTA Nomination: Best Nobbly Knees on a Supporting Actor (1973)

Directed by: Elton Welsby. US/UK. Colour.

Hobnobs and Breadsticks  (1971)

Also Known As: Family Circle, Grissini For Me

Genre: Children's/Musical

Starring: Angela Lansbury

Plot:
An apprentice witch, three kids and a conman search for a secret ingredient for biscuits to be used in the defense of Britain in World War II.

Quotes:
Lion: "Any custard creams?"

Most Popular Song: "Hobnobbing Along"
Music and Lyrics: The Bay City Rollers

Most Helpful User Review:
Moreish.

BIFTA Nomination: Best Animated Biscuits (1972)

Directed by: Anglo Bubbly. UK/US. Colour.

Entertaining Mr Sheen  (1970)

Also Known As: Let Me Entertain You, Dust Me Down, Do You Like Me Mr Sheen?

Genre: Comedy/Drama

Starring: Beryl Reid, Harry Andrews and that guy whose name I can't remember

Plot:
Beryl Reid on hilarious form as a middle aged nymphomaniac who throws herself at her new lodger, and tries to entice him with her Hoover attachments. Soon her brother (Harry Andrews) gets in on the act, in this dark comedy love triangle. Based on the play by Joe Orton.

Quotes:
Kath: "Mr Sheen, will your fuck-buddies be around this evening? - Only I can't find your cock ring anywhere."

Most Helpful User Review:
Coarse, vulgar, messed-up, disgraceful. I loved it.

BIFTA Nomination: Most Polished Performance (1971)

Directed by: Dusty Ragg. UK. Colour.

Bigfoot in the Park  (1968)

Also Known As: Sasquatch: The Movie, Bungle Goes Bad

Genre: Romantic Comedy

Starring: Jane Fonda and Farton Marley Jnr

Plot:
Gentle rom com starring Jane Fonda as a newlywed whose lawyer husband is rather more grizzly than most.

Quotes:
Bigfoot: "I've got such a headache, and I've got a case in court in the morning."
Carrie: "God, you don't half moan."

Most Helpful User Review:
The bit in Washington Square Park made me laugh a lot.

BIFTA Nomination: Best Bear Costume (1969)

Directed by: Arthur C Clarke. US. Colour.

In the Heat of the Kitchen  (1967)

Also Known As: Bitchin' Kitchen, Get into That Kitchen and Rattle Those Pots and Pans

Genre: Drama

Starring: Sidney Poitier, Rod Steiger and Polly Filla

Plot:
Sidney Poitier stars as Virgin Titts, a restaurant chef, in this stylish 60s classic. Rod Steiger plays the bigoted head chef who accuses him of pissing in the soup. Stress levels increase as more customers arrive, but Steiger slowly develops a begrudging respect for the cool-under-pressure black man.

Trivia:
This movie was the inspiration for Bucks Fizz to pen their classic hit single, "If You Can't Stand the Heat" in 1982.

Quotes:
Maitre'd: "Is that a chocolate chip or a mouse turd?"

Most Helpful User Review:
One of the best films about racism and kitchens ever made!!

BIFTA Winner: Best Put the Oven On (1968)

Directed by: Morphy Richards. US. Colour.

Annie Get Your Goat  (1966)

Also Known As: Yodel Me Yodel You, Animal Farm, You Goata Be Kidding, Get Your Goat - You've Pulled

Genre: Musical

Starring: Betty Hutton and Howard Keel

Plot:
All's fair in love, when Annie jilts her ranch-hand lover at the alter after discovering his late night rendezvous with a prize-winning moose. She flees the ranch in shame and finds her true vocation tending a goat herd in the Swiss Alps.

Quotes:
Annie: "I saw you Johnny! I saw you with that moose!"

Most Popular Song: "There's No Business Like Goat Business"
Music and Lyrics: Irving Berlin

Most Helpful User Review:
Such great songs! Betty Hutton is great, glad she was cast in the end. Screw Judy Garland.

BIFTA Nomination: Best Moose in the Hoose (1967)

Directed by: Legs Ancoats. US. Colour.

It's a Shit Life  (1965)

Also Known As: Shit Happens, Life is Like a Box of Shit, Roll on Death, Crappy Days

Genre: Drama

Starring: Tony Hancock, Kenneth Williams and Jim Morrison

Plot:
Thoroughly downbeat melodrama set in the awful small town of Shite Falls, in which manic-depressive Marlon Cobb manages to convince the whole population that it's just not sodding worth it.

Quotes:
MC: "The Mayor would like to say a few words before we depart this no-good stinking arse of a so-called existence. But first, give it up for The Beatles!"

Most Helpful User Review:
Well that was fuckin' depressing.

BIFTA Nomination: Best Mass Suicide (1966)

Directed by: Ford Capri. UK/US. Black & White.

Carry On Flabby  (1963)

Also Known As: Weight Watchers, Fat Busters, Plump

Genre: Comedy

Starring: Hattie Jacques, Sid James, Kennth Connor, Charles Hawtrey and Esma Cannon

Plot:
The very first Carry On film. Hattie Jacques and friends join a diet and exercise class. When it turns out they are doing their workouts alongside slender young blondes, their husbands decide to join as well.

Quotes:
Instructor: "And REACH, two three four five six seven eight... Come on, move that fat arse!"

Most Helpful User Review:
I watched this every day for a month and lost 8 lbs!

BIFTA Nomination: Best Get Up And Do Something (1964)

Directed by: Gerald Thomas. UK. Black & White.

Journey to the Centre of the Town  (1959)

Also Known As: Going to Town, Gone Shopping, The Day the Bus Stood Still

Genre: Sci-Fi

Starring: James Mason and Thora Hird

Plot:
Jules Verne classic. An elderly couple decide to venture into the town centre. They pack a bag with rain hat, plastic knife and fork, cling film and Lemsip "just in case". Battling against teenagers, guide dogs and pushchairs, will they get a seat on the bus?

Quotes:
Elsie: "Bert, did you bring the Bisodol? I SAID, DID YOU BRING THE BISODOL?"

Most Helpful User Review:
SPOILERS: Starts slow but the action picks up at the bus stop when they realise they've just missed one. Shame they reach their destination disappointed: there's no Harry Ramsden's.

BIFTA Winner: Best Cling Film (1960)

Directed by: Lemony Wilderness. UK. Black & White.

The 7th Voyage of Slimfast  (1958)

Also Known As: Le septieme voyage de Slimfast, Slimmers' World in 80 Days, I Could Eat a Horse

Genre: Fantasy/Adventure

Starring: Robert Morley, Peggy Mount, Diana Dors, and Arthur Lowe as the Genie

Plot:
Epic swashbuckling tale of monsters, princesses and dieting on the open seas.

Quotes:
Prince Mondo the Mirthless: "Another half pound this week Susan, well done."

Most Helpful User Review:
The stop-motion effects were ahead of their time. If you haven't seen this, you are missing out. Fantastic.

BIFTA Winner: Slimmer of the Year (1959)

Directed by: Barry Bethell. US/UK. Colour.

Attack of the 50ft Chicken  (1958)

Also Known As: Chicken Run, Kentucky Fright Chicken, Paxo Rooster Booster, Hen Behaving Badly

Genre: Sci-Fi

Starring: James Mason

Plot:
A farmer's problems are just beginning when one of his chickens is affected by an alien encounter and grows to a giant size.

Quotes:
Farmer Johnson: "Jeeezuz Christ! Look at the size of that thing!"

Most Helpful User Review:
It's finger lickin' good!

BIFTA Nomination: Best Animatronics (1959)

Directed by: Colonel Sanders. UK. Colour.

12 Angry Wasps  (1957)

Also Known As: Crown Court, Courtroom Conundrum, Countdown Conundrum

Genre: Drama

Starring: Henry Fonda and Alberto Balsam

Plot:
Tempers are frayed in this gritty courtroom drama. A jury is trapped in a sweltering room which has a wasp nest in the corner of the ceiling, and are forced to decide the fate of an alleged petty thief before being allowed to leave.

Quotes:
Martin: "Buzz off!"

Most Helpful User Review:
It's the bees knees.

BIFTA Winner: Best Pest Control (1958)

Directed by: Noel Hill. US. Black & White.

Quatermass and the Ferret  (1955)

Also Known As: Quatermass and the Railroad Rodent, Quatermass and the Tube of Terror

Genre: Sci-Fi

Starring: George Sanders and Basil Rathbone

Plot:
A mysterious artifact is unearthed in the London Underground and famous scientist Bernard Quatermass is called to inspect the large metal object.

Quotes:
Martin: "What do you think it is, Doctor?"
Dr Quatermass: "Fucked if I know..."

Most Helpful User Review:
After 30 minutes of Quatermass and co tapping the object and saying, "Shh! Listen..." I was getting a bit bored. But when the 4ft ferret finally makes its appearance, I was marvellously entertained.

BIFTA Nomination: Best Dressed Lead Actor in a Lead Role (1956)

Directed by: Brooke Syde. UK. Colour.

20,000 Leaves Under the Tree  (1954)

Also Known As: Attack of the Autumn Weather, Sweep!, Isn't It Cold? Not Long 'Til Christmas

Genre: Adventure

Starring: James Mason, Kirk Douglas, Paul Lukas and Peter Lorre

Plot:
A band of neighbours brave the high winds of autumn as they battle to keep fallen leaves off their lawns. Based on the novel by Jules Verne.

Quotes:
Nemo: "Good God, man! Be careful with that rake! You'll have someone's eye out!"

Most Helpful User Review:
Exceptionally good live-action adventure from Disney.

BIFTA Winner: Best Kept Lawns and Gardens (1955)

Directed by: Ivor Chestikoff. US. Colour.

The Day the Earth Still Stood  (1954)

Also Known As: Near Disaster, Aliens Came and Went

Genre: Sci-Fi

Starring: Claude Raines, Rod Serling & Hattie Jacques

Plot:
Worldwide panic develops when a fleet of flying saucers lands on Earth. The panic subsides when the alien ships fly away leaving everything unharmed.

Quotes:
Susan: "Now that they've gone, where shall we go? What shall we do?!"
Brian: "Think Gardeners' Question Time is on..."

Most Helpful User Review:
One of the top Sci-Fi movies ever made.

BIFTA Winner: Best Lead Actor in a Ham Role (1955)

Directed by: Hoopin Coff. UK. Colour.

Dial M and Murmur  (1954)

Also Known As: The Telephone Always Rings Twice, Ring Ring: Why Don't You Give Me A Call?

Genre: Thriller

Starring: Ray Milland & Grace Kelly

Plot:
An ex-tennis pro persuades an old college chum to torment his wife over the phone.

Quotes:
Margot: "Hello?... Hello?... Look, I can't hear you, you'll have to speak up."

Most Helpful User Review:
That reminds me, I must ring my mother.

BIFTA Nomination: Best Set Design And That (1955)

Directed by: Alfred Hitchcock. US. Colour.

Mingin' in the Drain  (1952)

Also Known As: Ew What Is It?

Genre: Musical

Starring: Gene Kelly, Debbie Reynolds and Donald O'Connor

Plot:
After a night of heavy rainfall, the residents of Electric Avenue find that one side of their street has flooded and they need to discover what's blocking the drain.

Quotes:
Kathy: "That's gross."

Most Popular Song: "Poke It With A Stick"
Music and Lyrics: Terry Nappy & The Tea Towels

Most Helpful User Review:
This is a perfect example of everything that is good and right about movie-making.

BIFTA Nomination: Best Put It In Next-Door's Bin (1953)

Directed by: Quentin Bentine. UK. Colour.

It's a Wonderful Pie  (1946)

Also Known As: It's a Wonderful Wonderful Pie, Life of Pie, Golden Wonder

Genre: Drama

Starring: James Stewart, Donna Reed and Lionel Barrymore

Plot:
An angel is sent from Heaven to help a desperately frustrated businessman by showing him what life would be like if his wife was a better cook.

Quotes:
Clarence: "Every time the oven dings, it means a pie is ready."

Most Helpful User Review:
I watch this timeless classic at least once a year while the wife is busy in the kitchen.

BIFTA Winner: Best Method for Making Pastry (1947)

Directed by: Frank Capra. US. Black & White.

Shadow of a Trout  (1943)

Also Known As: I Don't Trout It, No Trout About It, Fishing Today, Fishing Tomorrow, Fly Fishing by JR Hartley

Genre: Thriller/Film Noir

Starring: Joseph Cotton and Teresa Wright

Plot:
A bored teen living in Santa Rosa, California, receives wonderful news: her uncle Charlie is arriving for a visit. She realises to her disappointment that Uncle Charlie is only interested in fishing.

Quotes:
Uncle Charlie: "Sshhh! Don't scare the fish..."

Most Helpful User Review:
So plausible. So real.

BIFTA Nomination: Best Casting (1944)

Directed by: Alfred Hitchock. US. B&W.

The Beast with Five Arseholes  (1939)

Also Known As: The Monster Arse, Asparagus the Beast, Fuckin' Arseholed, Fancy That

Genre: Horror

Starring: Trevor Howard

Plot:
The quiet rural village of Littlebugger is thrown into pandemonium, as it emerges that the murder of thirteen people was committed by a five-arseholed hairy monster.

Quotes:
Johnny: "Damn, it's ugly I gotta tell ya, it looks like a cow and it's as big as a house! That reminds me, my sister is in town."

Most Helpful User Review:
Good old-fashioned Gothic horror.

BIFTA Nomination: Best Dung (1940)

Directed by: Selwyn Friggitt. US. Black and White.

The Lady Varnishes  (1938)

Also Known As: Ronseal, Crown or Dulux?

Genre: Thriller

Starring: Mary Clare, Linden Travers & Cecil Parker

Plot:
While her husband travels across pre-WWII continental Europe on business, a housewife decides to restore all their furniture while he's away.

Quotes:
Mrs Henderson: "How wonderful! It does exactly what it says on the tin!"

Most Helpful User Review:
Fast moving early Hitchcock thriller with memorable acting and outstanding script. I picked up a couple of useful DIY tips too.

BIFTA Winner: Best Non-Drip One Coat There Is (1939)

Directed by: Alfred Hitchcock. UK. Black & White.

The Cabinet of Dr Calamari  (1922)

Also Known As: Doktor Fisch, Squid Monster, Seafood and Eat It

Genre: Horror

Starring: Farton Buerke and Hilary Wharf

Plot:
A stage hypnotist makes the local doctor think he is giant seafood with murderous intent.

Quotes:
[Intertitles]: "Quick! Get Him!"

Most Helpful User Review:
This is silent German Expressionism at its finest. I cannot recommend this film highly enough. Made me feel quite hungry too.

BIFTA Winner: Best Side Salad (1923)

Directed by: Willhelm Bananas. Germany. Black & White.